It never gets easier, and life is pain

Whether it's pain, death, a break up, rejection, failure...life...it never "gets easier". If anything it gets harder because with each loss we learn to love a little more, we learn to try a little harder, we learn to become more resilient to the pain from that specific incident but life rarely gives us the exact same situation twice.

Even when we know better, we put ourselves in situations that we know will be messy or cause us pain, because we know that we can't go through life in a bubble. For me personally, I have always been attracted to pain. Emotional, but pain nonetheless. I've tried to pinpoint where in my life I began to feel dead inside, how I became apathetic, and I'm sure it was a collection of many moments. As a young child in elementary school, I remember often being outgoing and friendly, always being the one to help someone else, and often labeled the 'teachers pet'. I used to give my teachers a hug every morning, the thought of that now blows my mind, that I used to enjoy human touch and not hold back from it.

My family are not the "touchy-feely" type, we don't say "I love you" and we don't communicate well. My parents way of giving me "the talk" was to hand me some books that described the male and female anatomy and how babies were made. This was in the sixth grade. I can't help but tense up when my sisters try to hug me or are close to me, for some reason that I have yet to figure out. Some people give me the same reaction, and then others I feel completely comfortable around and actually enjoy the closeness.

And yet one of my top 'love languages' is physical touch. In an intimate relationship I thrive on it, not as much as words or time, but it becomes something that I need as much as air to breathe some days. How can it be that we can be so strong on our own, so independent without any support, and all of that can seemingly change when someone enters our lives?

Maybe deep down, the real me is the cheesy, sappy, romantic who wants someone to spoil who will also spoil me with their words and attention (fun fact, one of my weaknesses is someone who will send me photos and videos of what they are doing throughout their day...nothing dirty, but just honest, genuine glimpses into their day. I love that.). And how is it possible to become so attached to those feelings, those intense, all-consuming emotions that connect us to another human being that we become totally different people overnight?

What does it mean when an individual that rarely cries but can become so engrossed in emotions when the time is right, feels so lost that for once in their life they find themselves holding in tears for themselves. When the pain of being hurt by someone that they love more than they thought it was possible to love, and the heartache of realizing what they have isn't what they hoped couple together and numbs them to the core....and they are left with the realization that they are lost and their closest loves are no longer there. It makes being on your own feel empty.

It never does get easier. That isn't the way of life, you build strength so you can get over the next hurdle with a bit more ease but the hurdle is still there. The disappointments, heartaches, loss, and tears will always be a part of life, and I for one am oddly grateful for the reminders that life is pain. Through the pain we grow, we learn about ourselves and what we are capable of.

To the people out there who will argue with me that life is not pain, that life is how I view it and if I don't accept God into my life, become an optimist, and embrace love and peace I'll never be happy...go screw yourselves. I have God in my life, I don't need to pray to him in a congregation of bible believers to have him in my life. Optimism is ridiculous, the glass is never full of your favorite beverage. And I do embrace peace and love, I don't openly invite chaos, deceit, and pain into my life. Life is purely pain and stress and we can find peace and love in our days, we can find happiness within ourselves and with God, and good things can come along but it's foolish to set ourselves up to assume it will always be like that.

I continuously find myself imagining the pots repaired with gold tonight, wondering what will I find

to repair the cracks and broken parts of me. Will the gold be love? Self or given by someone else, or with God. Will the gold be passion in my career? Will I find it by traveling and stumbling across some treasure chest of unknown discovery of myself?

Wherever the repairs come from, I know that they will come, and even though hope sucks, and life is pain, I still have hope and life is still worth living and enjoying. Friend that don't judge us, memories created with loved ones, finding time to do what truly makes us happy...these are the moments that create a life well lived and worth living.

Keep Going Cues

When you are searching in life for something more, and you start reaching at the fringes of your sanity, how does that make you feel? Momentarily fantastic when you get a sensation you want? Massively let down when you keep searching and turn up fruitless?

To use a training reference, we are all looking for that "keep going" signal. No matter where we are in life, learning a new behavior, continuing a behavior we know well...we are always searching for what's next, and looking for cues from those around us. Even the most confident learner still needs reinforcement and encouragement  that they are doing well, it's ridiculous to think that just because you gave them a "great job" once that they will hold that with them forever and continue to feel as good as that initial completion. We are creatures of habit and also searchers for that "high", that feel good fix that comes when we do something well.

This applies to personal growth as much as to habits, ethics, morals, and things we do in our daily life. A person can be confident in who they are, and happy, truly happy, with who they are. They don't have to be insecure to search, they simply have to be unsatisfied in one or two areas of their life significantly enough that they start to feel lost. There are people in my life that are drifters and some that are anchors. Even the anchors search sometimes in life, but the drifters never find solid ground.
I know who I am, I know what I believe. I also maintain that flexibility and humbleness of accepting that I could always be wrong, sometimes very wrong, but if I trust my instincts I've learned that I can be wrong less but learn new things easier. As confusing as that sounds it isn't, because simply put, someone taciturn can be proven wrong but they are too stubborn to believe it. A flexible person can be wrong, but go with the flow early on and learn something new. I am also stubborn and have a tough time giving up on something Or someone that I believe in.

This could be why I believe so strongly in reincarnation because it gives me a solid believe that the reason I feel so strongly about some people is because we knew each other in a past life. For better or worse, reincarnation gives me something to move forward from, a starting point as to why I feel so nervous around deep water, why I feel such an intense connection with someone I barely know, and why certain people put me on edge from before we even say hello.

The "keep going" can be as simple as support, and that looks different to everyone. So much in life is dependent on feeling supported or included, or appreciated, even our non-work related life. Sometimes feeling like you're heard, or directly or indirectly supported, can mean more than a bottle of wine and a case of gummy frogs at the end of a long day. (That might be a very reinforcing thing for me...)

Essentially I believe that in life we look for those that give us the reinforcement we desire and need to survive. For some souls it might be someone who constantly tells them what a great job they are doing and showers them with compliments and gifts, always letting them know that they love them and are thinking of them. For other souls they could simply need a presence nearby that they know is solid and they can trust, someone who will tell them when they need to hear it most and sometimes randomly that they are on their mind. It's different for everyone and in different parts of our life we could need different things.

Even the most stubborn will find a point of no return. A point where the pain and broken heart are beyond repair, sometimes because they are simply exhausted from trying to hold it together. And when you know there is no logical future in this life, and you feel deep down that something has changed, it's hard to not feel disheartened by that and just walk away. Through this pain, what sort of growth can be found? It might be at the root of every moment of pain and distress in your life for awhile, and even the normal stress of life feels either lifeless or compounded with the pain of a thousand heartaches if you really analyze it. It's miserable, there's no sugar coating it, there's also no get well soon remedy. Time will pass, and the love that never faded will still remain but the pain of the broken heart will fade. The sadness at what was lost and never known will ease with time and one day, the experiences will make you stronger. Maybe also feel dead inside because hope sucks and life never truly throws you a bone, but you're able to get through your days without crying when you hear their name. And that can be considered a win.

Big Heart (Great Power)=Big Heartache (Great Responsibility)

This more relates to the potential for a heartache if you have a heart, and the more you love the more you stand to be hurt. There's also great pleasure to be found if you're willing to risk it.

It's hard to stay positive with all of the pain in the world right now. We live in uncertain times, but when has that ever not been true? Whether we were living in the Age of the Tudor's and plague was a constant worry and threat, or the Medieval Age when wartimes and backstabbing were bloody and often left a wake of destruction behind wherever it tore through. Even now, in parts of the world (and our own country), people live on the street corners, begging for pennies just to eat for the day, children are left parentless and parents are forced to bury their children.

I don't say all of this to bring down the tone of the book; on the contrary there aren't many topics that are so globally important that I will be discussing because I don't want to 'take a side' or cause drama, just thoughts.

Part of where this is taking me is the thought of feeling like I'm alive and on fire...like every circuit in my body is abuzz and lighting up. It's different than my normal feeling. Normally, when I am home and content, and surrounded by 2 dogs, a cat behind me and a cat on my lap, and three parrots calmly chattering to themselves, it feels like a very peaceful and quiet evening. I feel normal, routine, relaxed, perhaps a bit bored but I don't care to change my boredom to a life of wild living-this is really nice and I'm very happy to be home at the moment as I'm typing this.

And then there was that week where I was reminded of what it felt like to be a live. Wondering how it will be when that is interjected into my little normal that I have, I'm unsure of the change but excited because I trust it will be good. So good that as I am typing this, I am reminded of what is waiting for me.

A-holes & Rubber bands

This is a chapter that's been slowly forming over the past few months. Chandler has been the primary "instigator" that has caused this thought process to start but he is by no means the main focus of this bit. Why do people find themselves drawn to the "bad boys" (or girls)? Working off the theory that I have of mirrors, and that people come into our lives for reasons, what does someone the opposite of us, who treats us like crap, do for us?

Being consistently ignored until they need something, or are in the mood and then they want to talk, acting like you don't exist when you're in the room until the "power players" or people they need move on and they are done with them, then they might come recognize that you're there. Why would we be drawn to those people? Especially when we know we deserve better (and have better), we are still drawn to be friends with that person, or acknowledged by them. It's certainly not a romantic or lustful attraction, it's a human connection.

Like a rubber band, we snap back right before we break and walk away. But each time the tension builds and the band gets a little thinner. Our resistance to take more of a stretch grows but our line grows thinner and one day it'll snap and there won't be a good repair for that.

The same concept applies to more than toxic people in our lives, it applies to any toxic situation really. Let's say you spend 2,080 hours with the same group of people each year, for a decade (that's 20,800 hours roughly), and the rubber band relaxes for weeks, sometimes months. And then it gets stretched out pretty far, you think you'll get shot off into the next continent, and then you feel the tension ease and it's comfortable for awhile again. Until the next event pops up, and before you can relax you're pulled tight again, feeling the stress upon every joint and hoping you don't shatter.

Respect has always been something that is earned and not a right in my life. I believe in being genuine and true to yourself, and acting honestly. I try to keep an open mind, I've been better at it the last month than in my past, but no one is perfect. It's still very hard to not feel let down or exhausted when your position holds very little weight in the eyes of those who's decisions affect your professional development and career. The same can be said for the ones who hold your heart or your respect.

True, you shouldn't allow others to dictate how your feel about yourself, how you live your life, or how you treat others. But when you are feeling broken, exhausted, mentally spent...it's natural to be drawn to a place of familiarity. Sometimes it's a toxic past to fleeting moments, sometimes it's within ourselves, sometimes fighting for what's right becomes so seemingly unbearable and we the constant uphill battle is too much and we have to take a step or two backwards. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this, there is nothing wrong with being imperfect. In order to grow and know our own value I think we have to put ourselves in situations where we might be disrespected, or treated like less than we are worth simply to remind ourselves of what we are capable of.

When pushing ourselves to the limit to prove our value appears to get us no where, sometimes we resort to the path of least resistance, the last behavior that gave us the reinforcement we desire. A sense of accomplishment, a feeling of acceptance, sometimes even simply a kind or flattering word, even if we know the moment is fleeting. In some cases I think that resorting to a more familiar and consistent behavior pattern can build our confidence back up when we are feeling defeated. Might not be the healthiest way to process disappointment and defeat, but everything in moderation is good, right?