Love is enough

Falling in love can be scary. When you don't understand what this thing is that you're feeling, when you admit to yourself that you're in love, the fear of rejection, of losing them…there are so many terrifying components to love. And sometimes you wonder why bother continuing feeling this way, surely this overwhelming sense of emotion isn't worth it? Then they look at you. One glance, a fleeting moment of eye contact, and somehow, for some reason, you can't breathe. Even ten years later. When you feel that connection with someone that you can trust implicitly, when they understand how you're feeling without even needing to hear your words, just by looking at your face or feeling your emotions…that is why we still love. I believe that we desperately want to feel that connection, we want to believe that there is more to this life than paying bills, going to work, partying, raising a family; regardless of how much hope sucks, deep down it resides inside of us holding on and keeping us going.

They say find someone who can make you laugh because looks fade away. They say find someone who looks at you the way *insert popular TV character* looks at *insert their favorite beverage, food item, or person*. Some people get it right the first time, others have a few marriages and divorces before they find their “one”. Each path is different and everything happens for a reason, sometimes you have to find happiness and then lose it a few times to make you into the best version of yourself for the one you spend the rest of your life with.

“True love is worth fighting for because once you find it, it can never be replaced.” Words that a screenwriter wrote for a TV show but words that ring true. True love is sacrifice, compromise, it's being unselfish, putting the other person first, even if it kills you to do so (Figuratively). Love is hope and can fuel our dreams, and while hope sucks and love can suck too, they work hand in hand to get us through this life and onto what's next.

Trying to find the right words to explain an emotion can be tough. It can also be tough to explain how it's okay to be alone sometimes. I was at a wedding recently, working, and sat down to eat. I was (unplanned) eating at a table by myself, and to me, it seemed the most perfectly natural and comfortable thing. Social constructs have told us that being alone is uncomfortable and not "okay"; there were many people that approached me and told me that they 'felt bad' that I was eating alone. Next time you see someone out and alone, ask yourself how it makes you feel. Then ask yourself why you feel that way.

My theory, if you could call it that, would be that humans are a social species, and perhaps to see "one of our kind" appearing vulnerable, causes a chain reaction in us of "natural feelings" to want to take that person in and make sure that they aren't singled out and picked off by the strong. I am imagining a Savannah with prides of zebra and lion, the lion (predator) wisely goes for the least energy expending opportunity to obtain its' next meal. If you put a can of reddi-whip in front of the predator's face, and he doesn't have to run across the room to grab a meatball, nature dictates that he'll perform to obtain the highest value reinforcer with the least amount of exertion possible. With humans, why seeing a person sitting alone in a room full of party-going guests would bring up feelings of uncomfortableness, or feeling sorry for the loner, is something that I am trying to figure out.

In humans, working for reinforcers, it's not very different from the lion metaphor I suppose. A human that can call a pizza place and have it brought to their house is essentially the lion at the gate waiting for Reddi-whip. When it comes to love, however, it seems we find the most complex, complicated, and heart-wrenching ways to live and express ourselves. At least until we find that one person (or in some cases maybe several people) that we can just breathe and relax around. The person that we can just feel ourselves with, with no fear of judgment or worry that they will leave us or get upset because they are misinterpreting something we said or didn't say. And ultimately, love, openness, compassion, can all be enough to make us happy if we allow it to.

Inquebrantable; Unbent, unbowed, unbroken

Mexico
I've grown up traveling the world, and I feel incredibly lucky in that aspect. Perhaps that's why I have such a strong desire to travel in my job as well, it's what I'm used to. Meeting new people, seeing new sites, experiencing different cultures...eating the food (I'm not a technical "foodie" but I do love to eat!)

I was lucky enough to attend a conference in Puebla, Mexico. It's the first time that I have ever been to Mexico, and it was wonderful to use my Spanish again. I was able to meet people and friends in person that I had come to know through emails over the last year, and we had a great conference learning from each other and connecting. Looking back I remember feeling a sense of acceptance and belonging that are essential to all humans to feel nurtured and to grow.  It was incredible to sit in a room full of distinguished individuals, who had been doing the work I was doing for many more years than myself, actually listen and give me respect as I spoke, sometimes about things I wasn't super confident or skilled in. It was an atmosphere where brainstorming truly meant open opinions and open minds, and where hiking up a pyramid was a bonding experience that once we made it to the top, and we were sitting there taking in the view, we were all left breathless, and not just from the lack of Oxygen!

There are times in our lives where we reach a crossroads, sometimes we don't realize it until we are there but they are pivotal moments in one way or another. Sometimes we are standing there for a long time before we realize that we have been standstill, and all of a sudden a clear path, or at least a glimmer of one, opens up before us and we realize that we have a choice. Whether it's literal or figurative, it can be a life altering moment, or maybe not! May be it is simply a small turn at the moment but later on in life leads us somewhere very far from where we expected to be. Maybe it's a margarita, maybe it's a conversation…or maybe it's a self realization that you need to listen to your heart.

In the end, like a ripple on a pond, you return to where you started, to where you are complete. Life may be a journey of reaching out, making waves, pushing through the stillness only to find that peace exists when you accept where you belong. It's okay to move along, to find new shores, it's how we grow, whether at a glacial speed or during a springtime snow melt rush, in the end we find a certain calmness accepting what's always been there all along, the depth, the ocean, the calm. Being able to take a deep breath, look around, and be okay with where we are, even if we know it isn't our final destination. Having the faith that given time, we will be okay, and that we are in our current position to learn something, or to teach someone something, can bring a small measure of comfort when we are questioning everything around us.

Places!

Let's try and talk about trips for a bit. I have been very fortunate to travel a lot for my job and also in my personal life. I grew up in the military and loved moving, hiding behind "box forts", collecting as much clear packing tape as possible to make a giant tape ball (having contests with my sisters to make the biggest one!)
As an adult I don't collect packing tape any longer (well in a way I do but that's to ship animals not to make giant tape balls!), but I do collect memories from my trips. Networking, drinking (tomat-o, toma-toe), flights, layovers, presentations, meetings, and early morning coffee to combat the late night drinking.

Whether I am driving on a long haul animal transfer or flying across the country to a conference, each trip has led to many lasting memories and wonderful friendships. From workshops to trainings, I can honestly say that traveling is a better form of finding happiness than shopping or being a lazy bum on the couch for the weekend (though those do have their own merits!)

Portland and a Goat
The first real big shipment that I've had the luck to go on was my longest drive to date and it took me right through a city where just two days later I would fly into and present on a topic that I took pride in with my previous job at my first big conference. The trip started out simply enough, driving through Colorado listening to my cohorts talk in the front seat while I folded art brochures for an upcoming event.

22 hours later and we still had a few hours to go before our final destination! Driving through construction traffic in some city at 2 am, cruising past a tree farm and marveling at how straight the rows were, and then also celebrating one of the co drivers birthdays by acting like we were Facebook sending notifications and hashtag (ding! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY P-DUBS!!!!!)...we definitely found ourselves a bit slap happy by the end of our 3-4 day journey. I will say that the beer we had when we finally reached our hotel and destination at the end of a 25-26 hour drive was one of the best beers of my life!

Piggybacking with that trip we were all participants in an online behavior course that had just started, which was led by one of the most incredible women I have ever known. She has the ability to speak softly and soothingly yet command more respect and attention than a marine drill sergeant. Her philosophies on life are ones that I have always worked towards and her attitude towards people is one that I am working hard on adopting.

Life is not all positive, whether in a training aspect or simply in a viewpoint/actuality. I don't trust people that are all sunshine and daisies every day, it doesn't feel natural. I have strived to be honest, to myself and in the way I represent myself. The problem with this is that when I am not a "fan" of someone, they know it. And truly, I don't view this as a real problem, I despise people that are fake-whether for the sake of being political or simply because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

The wonderful thing about Susan is her ability to make every individual feel as if they are the most important person in the world and the complete center of her attention. I find the notion that someone can be this good baffling, and she'll be the first to admit she isn't perfect but her openness and acceptance of everything is perfect.

A Gorilla and some corn fields
Less than 6 months after my first long haul I found myself on another, this time to California and this time with a much more odorous companion. I don't mean (Dina) but rather, a dark new friend in the back half of our van. Thankfully the straight through drive on our return journey was less than the straight through drive to Oregon but if you've ever smelled a gorilla, well let's just say that at the end of the trip, there was no need to refresh with deodorant, and no one ever knew the difference!

The best part about long hauls (coming from someone who hates driving and has never kept that secret) is the bonding with the other people in the car. Watching car pool karaoke, stopping at an Indian casino for gas (ironically the same one on both sides of the trip!), souvenir shopping at a small place in Arizona or looking for cold beer at the grocery shop in Santa Barbara, it was all a wonderful time spent together!

Not long before that trip (or was it after? Time melds together so easily) was another conference trip, this time to a place I had lived for the least amount of time. Funny how six months in a place can make such an impact on your life, but that is what Omaha did for me and my return journey there was no less insightful for me. A quick flight there and a snowy 8 hour drive home with 20 some-odd egrets while another zoos staff drove ahead and updated us on the number of rolled over semis, and it was overall another amazing opportunity to find a place in the world for me.

I had (by most concerns) no right to be interested in this particular conference. Not being in a position of "importance", or having worked with any of the species, but being good friends with Cali, and learning more about who I was and what I wanted. Most importantly I found a place where I felt comfortable, respected, heard, and even a bit knowledgeable. I fell in love with a species I had never heard of before (look up Saola. Just do it.), and made new friends that I would connect with again in Albuquerque, where I would once again feel that connection of belonging.

"You know your stuff. And you're good at what you do. But you don't know what you know." It might sound like an odd quote but it is one that has helped encourage me and given me the reinforcement that I needed to keep going some days. I miss Cali, but I know that we are both where we need to be and she is continuing to inspire me and encourage me every day.