Songs of the Heart

For a long time I never knew how to write. I didn't know what I was missing, what I needed in order to write. Sometimes I get the craving to write but no words will flow, so I write a grocery list, or read an old story I wrote, something that uses my motor function or sparks a creative node in my brain. The story I come back to is a fictional one, more of an expansive day dream based in some fact and some twists. There are parts that I read and I can almost feel as if I'm there, in the story, and that inspires me to write something else that feels real.

How do you find inspiration? Or encouragement to continue on? When you wish that you were camping at some National Park under the Milky Way, or hiking along the coastline searching for whales breaching, or maybe even getting lost in Yellowstone while birding, what do you do to continue putting one foot in front of another to try and make that vision true?

I've said this before and I will repeat myself, hope sucks. That underlying feeling of thinking that one day things will be different. Better than you imagined, better than they currently are. Going through life like a Disney princess singing to the birds and deer, waking up to find their soulmate has been looking for them all along and they live happily ever after…that might happen for some people, but not everyone. And I think it's fair to acknowledge that. I'm not here to say “hang on! The next best thing is around the corner! When you stop looking you'll find it.” Maybe this is a lifetime where you are meant to be alone, to learn something deeper, to grow spiritually. Finding happiness in yourself is the first step to being spiritually happy and full. And perhaps even once you feel like you are good at that, you must teach someone else through living that way. Perhaps the person you teach is the one you're meant to be with in another life. You could be making you soul ultimately better, and the next life more blissful, through what you endure and grow from in this life.

Or I'm completely crazy and I say all of this to soothe the ache in my own heart. It's an ache that isn't for myself, it's a deep, pained feeling at the sensation and/or knowledge that someone very close to me is hurting or unhappy. Some people are so good, so beautifully sculpted, in their passions, desires, and complete being that it physically aches to see them hurting from those around them. A person can be flawed, or see themselves as imperfect, and that's not painful; sure it's easy to say “if only you could see yourself the way I see you”, it's another to live your life in a way to help them see it for themselves. What's painful is seeing another soul impact them in a way that brings them down, rather than up. Everyone is coasting on a certain level of self esteem, and while others can influence our personal views on ourself, ultimately only we can change our self esteem. So to see someone that we care so much about fighting so hard to stay above water, it sucks.

Perhaps that's all confusing. Perhaps it makes zero sense at all. All I know with certain clarity is how profoundly wonderful it can be to feel vulnerable yet strong. Empowered but humble, scared yet excited. The emotions, sensations, feelings, it can be overwhelming.

When there's a soul that makes yours sing, akin to bird songs that have been learned and heard for decades, revel in it. I believe that human connections are like the millions of tongues of communication in the universe, and if we are quiet we can hear multitudes of them, but our soul is yearning to hear the signature song of its roots. Only our soul mates sing them, and while we can appreciate the beauty around us, the song that takes root deep inside of us is preprogrammed and unique to us.

When we are growing up, we might softly babble, calling out tentatively to try and find the reciprocating call we know is out there. Experience in life creates a myriad of relationships in many cases, with trial and error occurring, while we sort out the rabble from the gemstones. When we can silence our inner monologue, those overwhelming sensations bombarding us make it easier to hear our reciprocating call, from where ever it may be coming from.


Vegas, Where Sin Meets…
I don't really know where to start with this chapter. As this year has progressed I feel like I don't have much to say. It could be due to feeling overwhelmed and busy, but I feel like I'm just as busy now as I was in January when I started this (and now it's 9 months later). Or maybe I have lost a part of my inspiration somehow. Or I've already worked through so many of my inspiring thoughts that the same ideas just don't dawn on me. Whichever the case, let's see how this goes!

On the flight into Las Vegas there is excitement, rowdiness, a buzz of happy voices. On the flight home, it's a very different affair. Sleeping adults, children watching their movies on tablets, and just an overall subduedness. Celebrations have been happening for several days now and it's time to return home and back to reality. Sometimes reality finds you in an airport checking your email, sometimes it never leaves you as you spend a vacation noticing work-related things.

Trying to find your center while turning up your music to drown out the loud, somewhat inconsiderate people around you who don't think that they might be affecting their neighbors with their loud voice, it's not easy. I have lost count of how many times I have reread this front to back at this point, refining some chapters, changing some words, or just trying to get the words to flow again. Throughout all of the trips that I have taken in the past month, both personal and professional, one similarity runs true; I'm mentally exhausted and barely treading water.

Taking Natalie to Las Vegas for her virgin trip was very entertaining, watching her face as we walked through each casino, all the lights, extravagance, nudity, amazing food, and noise of the city in general, it reminded me of a baby bird learning to fly. She was getting her wings under her and before she knew it something else came out of left field and the world was changing again. It was very fun to see the world through her eyes, and her energy is infectious. For an introvert, I did need a bit of recuperating time, but have had a hard time finding that this month. Retreating into my brain as much as possible is one of the few ways that I can stay sane.

Shadows & Rainbows; with a shot or two here and there

Have hope. Two words to tell your past self. What would yours be? Honestly. I've always believed (ok for the past decade) that hope sucks. And I have never said that to be pessimistic, I say that from experience and an acceptance of reality. I don't want to be disappointed because I am hopeful for a big pleasant surprise…I accept that life is what it is. Sometimes I wonder how much more beautiful and wonderful life would be if I was naive and filled with hope, but then I know deep down that I don't want to change anything about myself.

When is happiness an illusion and when is it real? What is your definition of happiness? Jot it down here (or if you're reading this online, write it on a piece of paper near you.) Don't just type it…grab a pen or pencil and feel the letters flow from your fingertips. Don't think, just write whatever your fingers feel like saying, describe your definition of happiness. I'll tell you mine at the end of this chapter.

To feel the pull deep inside my gut when I get that text from that person, to feel the ache and know that I'm alone, yet somehow I can't let it go…because that naive hope clings to a future that can never be. So I suppose I can't truly claim that I believe that hope sucks…because in a way it's always been a part of me. Stepping into the night air and wishing that I was listening to the crickets while enjoying my glass of red with more favorable company, picturing how perfect it feels and feeling that familiar tug; it's an inescapable feeling and one that I have learned to not ignore, just recognize and allow the feeling to overwhelm me.

Everything happens for a reason, I can't believe that hard enough, especially when things become so chaotic it's a perfect, beautiful mess. Life isn't always going to be sunshine and daisies, I anticipate the rainstorms because it makes the rainbows that much sweeter. It hurts but I kind of live for the pain. It's a reminder that I am alive and have so much to live for, and when those moments come across my path, it makes me cherish every second to the fullest. I cherish the pain as much as the pleasures because ultimately both are what make us full and complete. Accepting the pain with the joy, knowing that good things are worth waiting for, and sometimes they don't come in the way we imagined. I feel like most of the time when we imagine something it presents itself in a very different way.

I have struggled lately with having so many distractions in my life. And by distractions I mean hobbies. I love hiking, training my dogs and birds, crocheting, wood-burning, quilting, scrapbooking, sketching, penmanship, felting, reading, mosaic, writing, photography, editing, graphic design, and the list goes on. I have so many interests that I'm not great at any one thing. I am mediocre at several things. I love watercolor and acrylic painting, yet my paintings are subpar to so many others who call themselves amateurs. My photography is good, but not amazing, it's nothing special. All of my skills…they are just distractions for me. And yes, I do know what I try to distract myself from. Perhaps that's why I seem to have a short attention span, even with projects at work, I will get obsessed with something for a day or two, and for various reasons, I get distracted and while I always return to them, my interest can wane for days. My work passions are set, my interest wanes for other reasons than my personal passions though.

The shadows on the corners of our minds often whisper secret desires or temptations, or sometimes brutal truths that we don't want to see. What would you change if you could? Would you wish to be naive and ignore the whispers? Or would you wish for courage to hear those truths?
There isn't anything wrong with either choice, each one shapes a person into the beautiful soul they are meant to be. Even if they don't see it happening, or feel that they are beautiful; every imperfection and “blemish” is a beautiful line drawn through the colorful design of a butterfly's wings. A monarch could be solid orange and be considered lovely, but the more lines and intricate patterns on its wings and it turns from something lovely into something that you can't take your eyes away from. Every brush stroke, every drop of color, no matter how out of place it might feel, to the eye that's looking, it's a masterpiece.

"To me, happiness is feeling more than whole, it's feeling like everything positive and negative that's happened has been perfect because there you are, feeling like more than just yourself. It's seeing your reflection and feeling a warmth from deep inside. It's ending a conversation and smiling like smiling is the only thing you've ever known and it's ok to grin larger than your lips will allow, because nothing matters except for the emotions you feel after the conversation. The way your body reacts against your control, your insides pull, twist, and ache with a longing of never losing that connection. But it's a happy ache, and for every absence there is a sweet whisper of a promise for next time, next time you talk, next time you smile, next time you recall a memory that makes you feel whole, and more than perfect. It's a garden of eden in this concrete jungle, and for some moments in life it's our peace in this crazy world."

Ocho

A sudden realization that something is right in front of your face. They say that it only takes 30 days to create a habit. After 30 days then something that initially was a chore becomes a part of your routine and you may no longer feel "inconvenienced" by having to do it (go to the gym, skip the fast food meals, cook breakfast, etc). The same can be said for humans being creatures of habit and once we find a comfortable routine, it can be tough to break free of that and try new things. Not always, and sometimes trying new things is very different than changing our habits.

Having always been a very independent soul and individual, I find comfort in human companionship and crave it just like most of us, but I am also comforted and sometimes even crave my silence and alone time. This is nothing unique to me, many people are also just like this; many folks find that solitude is a recharging time and introverts crave it almost more than human touch. Living a certain way for many years doesn't mean that is what we want for the rest of our life; it's always a study of one and what makes one person happy may not make another. Open communication and being willing to listen is key, because as soon as we start writing on the blank pages of someone else's book and fill in their story in our words, we take away something precious from that person. Everyone deserves to fill in their pages on their own and in their own time. Patience and faith that it will be okay can be tough but can also be essential.

It can be hard to change the way you think, or feel, and some might argue that changing the way you feel is impossible. The mind is more powerful than we give it credit for sometimes and I believe that if you can convince yourself of something then it can become a reality. I doubt that this works for things such as "I am convinced that my bedroom light is on" when it's clearly off, and thinking the light switch will magically flip itself on; but if you think of it in terms of mantras and mindsets, I believe that change is possible for feelings.

For some people changing their routine (adjusting to shopping at a new grocery store, or a new coffee shop for example, or something larger such as living with someone after being alone for 10 years) can be incredibly difficult; for others that part is easy. Changing a mindset however, or convincing yourself that you no longer love someone, can be much more challenging.

Can you consider having been in love if you've never crossed the boundaries of friendship? If all you ever have are conversations, a few dinners or drinks here and there, and generally speaking never have physical contact; how can you truly know how you feel about a person? How do you define love, or more specifically, how can you define falling in love? Jane Austen wrote "I was in the middle before I knew I had begun" in reference to a character realizing that they loved someone. It's easy to read in novels or see in movies two characters that meet, have few interactions, and realize they love each other deeply and it was "love at first sight".

I have never believed in love at first sight, I do believe that connections we create with each other throughout our lifetimes can cross over and cause an instant connection between souls; a sort of, calling out to the other and recognizing someone important, even if we don't understand why. Perhaps this is why the concept of falling in love when you are never with the person makes a bit of sense to me. In that same train of thought though, if this is true, can you truly change your mindset and the way you feel about someone? Regardless of how you fell in love or developed strong feelings, can you convince yourself otherwise? Or do you learn how to live with love and find other ways to love? After all, there are many types of love in this world, perhaps it's like collecting coins, and you've simply checked off a few boxes of feelings you have.

Listening to the thunder roll and rain fall softly on the earth outside my window is a comforting sound. It lends me strength and encourages me that everything will be ok. Good friends that I can lean on, strong shoulders that I can rest my weary head on, the steady silent resilience of Mother Nature, these are things that give me strength to keep going. I feel the solid weight of my dog resting his body against my legs and for a few moments, I forget about the stressors of the world.

Finding your rock in life can be important to helping you get through the tough times, it can also help you build your own strength. Being someone's rock can provide a sense of security and strength in itself, as well as bring a sort of stability to your own life. Everything in life should have a balance, like yin and yang; being independent and leaning on someone else should be the same. Finding a balance of someone that you can lean on, and also have the respect of to allow you to be strong on your own when you need to be, can be tricky, but I do believe that it's very possible; I have been lucky to be the rock and to have a rock in a few friendships/relationships with people.