Songs of the Heart

For a long time I never knew how to write. I didn't know what I was missing, what I needed in order to write. Sometimes I get the craving to write but no words will flow, so I write a grocery list, or read an old story I wrote, something that uses my motor function or sparks a creative node in my brain. The story I come back to is a fictional one, more of an expansive day dream based in some fact and some twists. There are parts that I read and I can almost feel as if I'm there, in the story, and that inspires me to write something else that feels real.

How do you find inspiration? Or encouragement to continue on? When you wish that you were camping at some National Park under the Milky Way, or hiking along the coastline searching for whales breaching, or maybe even getting lost in Yellowstone while birding, what do you do to continue putting one foot in front of another to try and make that vision true?

I've said this before and I will repeat myself, hope sucks. That underlying feeling of thinking that one day things will be different. Better than you imagined, better than they currently are. Going through life like a Disney princess singing to the birds and deer, waking up to find their soulmate has been looking for them all along and they live happily ever after…that might happen for some people, but not everyone. And I think it's fair to acknowledge that. I'm not here to say “hang on! The next best thing is around the corner! When you stop looking you'll find it.” Maybe this is a lifetime where you are meant to be alone, to learn something deeper, to grow spiritually. Finding happiness in yourself is the first step to being spiritually happy and full. And perhaps even once you feel like you are good at that, you must teach someone else through living that way. Perhaps the person you teach is the one you're meant to be with in another life. You could be making you soul ultimately better, and the next life more blissful, through what you endure and grow from in this life.

Or I'm completely crazy and I say all of this to soothe the ache in my own heart. It's an ache that isn't for myself, it's a deep, pained feeling at the sensation and/or knowledge that someone very close to me is hurting or unhappy. Some people are so good, so beautifully sculpted, in their passions, desires, and complete being that it physically aches to see them hurting from those around them. A person can be flawed, or see themselves as imperfect, and that's not painful; sure it's easy to say “if only you could see yourself the way I see you”, it's another to live your life in a way to help them see it for themselves. What's painful is seeing another soul impact them in a way that brings them down, rather than up. Everyone is coasting on a certain level of self esteem, and while others can influence our personal views on ourself, ultimately only we can change our self esteem. So to see someone that we care so much about fighting so hard to stay above water, it sucks.

Perhaps that's all confusing. Perhaps it makes zero sense at all. All I know with certain clarity is how profoundly wonderful it can be to feel vulnerable yet strong. Empowered but humble, scared yet excited. The emotions, sensations, feelings, it can be overwhelming.

When there's a soul that makes yours sing, akin to bird songs that have been learned and heard for decades, revel in it. I believe that human connections are like the millions of tongues of communication in the universe, and if we are quiet we can hear multitudes of them, but our soul is yearning to hear the signature song of its roots. Only our soul mates sing them, and while we can appreciate the beauty around us, the song that takes root deep inside of us is preprogrammed and unique to us.

When we are growing up, we might softly babble, calling out tentatively to try and find the reciprocating call we know is out there. Experience in life creates a myriad of relationships in many cases, with trial and error occurring, while we sort out the rabble from the gemstones. When we can silence our inner monologue, those overwhelming sensations bombarding us make it easier to hear our reciprocating call, from where ever it may be coming from.


Vegas, Where Sin Meets…
I don't really know where to start with this chapter. As this year has progressed I feel like I don't have much to say. It could be due to feeling overwhelmed and busy, but I feel like I'm just as busy now as I was in January when I started this (and now it's 9 months later). Or maybe I have lost a part of my inspiration somehow. Or I've already worked through so many of my inspiring thoughts that the same ideas just don't dawn on me. Whichever the case, let's see how this goes!

On the flight into Las Vegas there is excitement, rowdiness, a buzz of happy voices. On the flight home, it's a very different affair. Sleeping adults, children watching their movies on tablets, and just an overall subduedness. Celebrations have been happening for several days now and it's time to return home and back to reality. Sometimes reality finds you in an airport checking your email, sometimes it never leaves you as you spend a vacation noticing work-related things.

Trying to find your center while turning up your music to drown out the loud, somewhat inconsiderate people around you who don't think that they might be affecting their neighbors with their loud voice, it's not easy. I have lost count of how many times I have reread this front to back at this point, refining some chapters, changing some words, or just trying to get the words to flow again. Throughout all of the trips that I have taken in the past month, both personal and professional, one similarity runs true; I'm mentally exhausted and barely treading water.

Taking Natalie to Las Vegas for her virgin trip was very entertaining, watching her face as we walked through each casino, all the lights, extravagance, nudity, amazing food, and noise of the city in general, it reminded me of a baby bird learning to fly. She was getting her wings under her and before she knew it something else came out of left field and the world was changing again. It was very fun to see the world through her eyes, and her energy is infectious. For an introvert, I did need a bit of recuperating time, but have had a hard time finding that this month. Retreating into my brain as much as possible is one of the few ways that I can stay sane.