The Clairvoyance

This is the part where I impart some lesson learned through all of this, right? The wrap up at the end is typically where there is an overlying theme. I make no promises here. If there is one thing that I have learned, it’s to trust in myself. There have been many people who have told me this over the years, in one way or another, from Animal Curators, to respected individuals in my field, a USDA inspector, permitting officers, zookeepers, field biologists, and yet the one that sticks out most in my mind, an Indian computer programmer/swing dancer in Columbus.

He spent the first minute of the song teaching me the mechanics of the steps, and after that told me "stop letting your brain get in your way! You know the steps, your body knows what to do and you’re good at it, just trust your body." It’s a tough thing to do, when it goes against the grain. Following my instincts has always been something that I tend to do naturally, but sometimes I let the fog descend due to lessons learned and I just sit down and color.

The bit of clairvoyance that I am finding tonight is how I absorb myself in creative outlets when I experience unpleasant situations, stress, or unhappiness. I taught myself to wood burn, I embroidered, I crochet toys, hats, and scarves, and I write, to name a few. When I look back over the past few years at the moments when I learned a new skill, it always revolves around a less than pleasing time in my life. I don’t forget about what’s going on, I simply work through it by not allowing myself to be dragged down by what’s not going right in my life.

I’ve been called pessimistic, negative, even toxic, yet the truth that I have discovered, through much self exploration, is that when life is progressing and I’m in a rut or things aren’t going great, I refuse to focus on the crap. I turn to drawing, hand lettering, writing out cards for friends that are positive and complimentary, because it makes me feel better. When I have a terrible day, I listen to my friends tell me about their day, and I console or offer a shoulder or advice if they need it, and then I feel better. Of course I’m not perfect and I have fits of frustration and I complain, I’m not perfect, but that’s the surface me. Deep down, I turn to something else when things are that bad for me.

This writing experience has allowed me to feel vulnerable in a safe way, it has allowed me to open up and explore a new way of expressing myself, and through it all, I see patterns in my writing that have led me to where I am now. It’s not easy, but ultimately, I have hope it’s better.

10 minute writing challenge....day 2

 The mind is a remarkable thing. The way that it can take information and remember, or twist, convince you of feelings or not, it’s amazing. If you believe something, truly believe it, the mind will work to convince you that that thing is the truth. Learning to be open to being wrong, it’s not easy. The true path to enlightenment lies within the ability to go through life knowing nothing. Because as soon as you "know" something, it limits the possibilities that exist. And enlightenment is possibility, endless, open, magnificent possibilities. 

I don’t know if there is only this life to live on the planet, I don’t know what our purpose is, in this tiny flicker of existence on a landform that’s been around for millions of years, perhaps there is none. Perhaps we make up our own meanings to validate our own existence, to ourselves, to society. We want happiness in life, we want to feel like we have a purpose, that we can influence change, for the better, and some times for the worse. It’s about control, having some sense that we have control over something...our lives, destiny, our work, our lover, a creature, a plant....something. To feel like we have an impact, sometimes it’s the most basic desires that drive us so hard in life. 

What do you do when you don’t feel like you have control, or you don’t feel like you make an impact? When it seems that nothing makes sense, and you aren’t able to control any aspect of your life, learned helplessness kicks in and you go through the motions, because ultimately what’s the point otherwise? When we feel like we don’t have a chance to change anything, it goes against our human nature and we just give up. Fighting through those feelings is hard, pushing back against the grain and digging your heels in to say "No, I am not going to cave, I want to change this, and I’m going to work to make a difference!", it can be the hardest and bravest thing an individual can do. Fighting against the constant barrage of negativity, of feeling like one person can’t make a difference...one person CAN and does make a difference, every day it happens. 

Whether it’s one person saying "No thanks, I don’t need a straw.", or "I think we should try this approach next.", you never know when your words or actions will impact and affect someone’s life so deeply that a small change will take hold and turn into something more. Don’t be afraid to be yourself, to live fully, to move on when it’s best, to stand up for what you believe in; it may not feel like it makes a difference and it may feel like your words fall on deaf ears, but you never know when they aren’t. And what that ripple will cause. 

Moving On, New Horizons

Sometimes finishing and walking away is even harder than starting something. Starting something is relatively simple; you sit down and start writing, or drawing, or you just start putting one foot in front of the other and start moving. Starting can be hard but its' simple, you just simply do it.
The same could potentially be said for finishing as well. You just simply stop doing what you were doing. However, breaking a habit, or a routine, isn't always easy. Change is hard, and when something has been a part of your life in a way for months, or years, it can be scary to say you're moving on. But healing.

When do you know when it's the end? When do you put down the pen and say, that's enough of this book, let's move onto a new one, the next adventure. Being able to let go of something that has felt so good for so long, even if the reasons never made sense, is easier said than done. At the beginning of this I just started writing, as hard as it was at times to find the words, or the topics, I just wrote, and it all worked out. Perhaps on the other end, things will simply start to make more sense as time goes on now that I've started to stop.

Whether you're fleeing from a fire-breathing dragon while being chased by a hoard of horseback riding, screaming madmen wielding deadly blades, and not knowing when to surrender, or you're standing on the outskirts waiting for the massacre to end, so you can surrender and hopefully live in peace afterwards, it's ultimately with what can you live with for yourself. Do you need to fight until the end for your pride, or can you realize when enough is enough and call a truce to save your men(tal health)?

Holding onto a security blanket, or a person, and believing that you're independent while using a crutch to stay "sane"...can you really claim that you're a strong, independent person? There's no shame in being weak sometimes. There's nothing wrong with leaning on someone else from time to time; I don't believe that having a source of pleasure in life that you can revel in from time to time when you are feeling most vulnerable makes you a weak individual. Everyone needs someone sometimes, whether it's a friendly soul to go out and have a relaxing beverage with, or a friendly okapi to snuggle into your shoulder, or a fat cat that claims your lap as their domain. Souls helping souls is what life is all about, no one can do it all on their own, as strong and independent as one might be, there is a point where vanity and pride can be a negative thing. There are other times when it's a benefit, everything in moderation, as always.

A wall of memories, a desk full of small notes, brochures and maps from places visited, any memento that reminds me of a person that has helped shape into who I am...moving all of the dusty cobwebs to make room for new memories is hard. It's a tangible reminder and representative of a big part of my life. Listening to "What If You", and the first lyrics are "What if you could wish me away....what if you spoke those words today?" I haven't felt like I've been in a bad place these last 7 years, in fact it's quite the opposite. I'm ready for a change though, something with a promise at the end and something that will inspire me to hope; big words for me to speak, I'm not 100% sold on that yet, so we'll see how it all works out.

Songs of the Heart

For a long time I never knew how to write. I didn't know what I was missing, what I needed in order to write. Sometimes I get the craving to write but no words will flow, so I write a grocery list, or read an old story I wrote, something that uses my motor function or sparks a creative node in my brain. The story I come back to is a fictional one, more of an expansive day dream based in some fact and some twists. There are parts that I read and I can almost feel as if I'm there, in the story, and that inspires me to write something else that feels real.

How do you find inspiration? Or encouragement to continue on? When you wish that you were camping at some National Park under the Milky Way, or hiking along the coastline searching for whales breaching, or maybe even getting lost in Yellowstone while birding, what do you do to continue putting one foot in front of another to try and make that vision true?

I've said this before and I will repeat myself, hope sucks. That underlying feeling of thinking that one day things will be different. Better than you imagined, better than they currently are. Going through life like a Disney princess singing to the birds and deer, waking up to find their soulmate has been looking for them all along and they live happily ever after…that might happen for some people, but not everyone. And I think it's fair to acknowledge that. I'm not here to say “hang on! The next best thing is around the corner! When you stop looking you'll find it.” Maybe this is a lifetime where you are meant to be alone, to learn something deeper, to grow spiritually. Finding happiness in yourself is the first step to being spiritually happy and full. And perhaps even once you feel like you are good at that, you must teach someone else through living that way. Perhaps the person you teach is the one you're meant to be with in another life. You could be making you soul ultimately better, and the next life more blissful, through what you endure and grow from in this life.

Or I'm completely crazy and I say all of this to soothe the ache in my own heart. It's an ache that isn't for myself, it's a deep, pained feeling at the sensation and/or knowledge that someone very close to me is hurting or unhappy. Some people are so good, so beautifully sculpted, in their passions, desires, and complete being that it physically aches to see them hurting from those around them. A person can be flawed, or see themselves as imperfect, and that's not painful; sure it's easy to say “if only you could see yourself the way I see you”, it's another to live your life in a way to help them see it for themselves. What's painful is seeing another soul impact them in a way that brings them down, rather than up. Everyone is coasting on a certain level of self esteem, and while others can influence our personal views on ourself, ultimately only we can change our self esteem. So to see someone that we care so much about fighting so hard to stay above water, it sucks.

Perhaps that's all confusing. Perhaps it makes zero sense at all. All I know with certain clarity is how profoundly wonderful it can be to feel vulnerable yet strong. Empowered but humble, scared yet excited. The emotions, sensations, feelings, it can be overwhelming.

When there's a soul that makes yours sing, akin to bird songs that have been learned and heard for decades, revel in it. I believe that human connections are like the millions of tongues of communication in the universe, and if we are quiet we can hear multitudes of them, but our soul is yearning to hear the signature song of its roots. Only our soul mates sing them, and while we can appreciate the beauty around us, the song that takes root deep inside of us is preprogrammed and unique to us.

When we are growing up, we might softly babble, calling out tentatively to try and find the reciprocating call we know is out there. Experience in life creates a myriad of relationships in many cases, with trial and error occurring, while we sort out the rabble from the gemstones. When we can silence our inner monologue, those overwhelming sensations bombarding us make it easier to hear our reciprocating call, from where ever it may be coming from.


Vegas, Where Sin Meets…
I don't really know where to start with this chapter. As this year has progressed I feel like I don't have much to say. It could be due to feeling overwhelmed and busy, but I feel like I'm just as busy now as I was in January when I started this (and now it's 9 months later). Or maybe I have lost a part of my inspiration somehow. Or I've already worked through so many of my inspiring thoughts that the same ideas just don't dawn on me. Whichever the case, let's see how this goes!

On the flight into Las Vegas there is excitement, rowdiness, a buzz of happy voices. On the flight home, it's a very different affair. Sleeping adults, children watching their movies on tablets, and just an overall subduedness. Celebrations have been happening for several days now and it's time to return home and back to reality. Sometimes reality finds you in an airport checking your email, sometimes it never leaves you as you spend a vacation noticing work-related things.

Trying to find your center while turning up your music to drown out the loud, somewhat inconsiderate people around you who don't think that they might be affecting their neighbors with their loud voice, it's not easy. I have lost count of how many times I have reread this front to back at this point, refining some chapters, changing some words, or just trying to get the words to flow again. Throughout all of the trips that I have taken in the past month, both personal and professional, one similarity runs true; I'm mentally exhausted and barely treading water.

Taking Natalie to Las Vegas for her virgin trip was very entertaining, watching her face as we walked through each casino, all the lights, extravagance, nudity, amazing food, and noise of the city in general, it reminded me of a baby bird learning to fly. She was getting her wings under her and before she knew it something else came out of left field and the world was changing again. It was very fun to see the world through her eyes, and her energy is infectious. For an introvert, I did need a bit of recuperating time, but have had a hard time finding that this month. Retreating into my brain as much as possible is one of the few ways that I can stay sane.

Shadows & Rainbows; with a shot or two here and there

Have hope. Two words to tell your past self. What would yours be? Honestly. I've always believed (ok for the past decade) that hope sucks. And I have never said that to be pessimistic, I say that from experience and an acceptance of reality. I don't want to be disappointed because I am hopeful for a big pleasant surprise…I accept that life is what it is. Sometimes I wonder how much more beautiful and wonderful life would be if I was naive and filled with hope, but then I know deep down that I don't want to change anything about myself.

When is happiness an illusion and when is it real? What is your definition of happiness? Jot it down here (or if you're reading this online, write it on a piece of paper near you.) Don't just type it…grab a pen or pencil and feel the letters flow from your fingertips. Don't think, just write whatever your fingers feel like saying, describe your definition of happiness. I'll tell you mine at the end of this chapter.

To feel the pull deep inside my gut when I get that text from that person, to feel the ache and know that I'm alone, yet somehow I can't let it go…because that naive hope clings to a future that can never be. So I suppose I can't truly claim that I believe that hope sucks…because in a way it's always been a part of me. Stepping into the night air and wishing that I was listening to the crickets while enjoying my glass of red with more favorable company, picturing how perfect it feels and feeling that familiar tug; it's an inescapable feeling and one that I have learned to not ignore, just recognize and allow the feeling to overwhelm me.

Everything happens for a reason, I can't believe that hard enough, especially when things become so chaotic it's a perfect, beautiful mess. Life isn't always going to be sunshine and daisies, I anticipate the rainstorms because it makes the rainbows that much sweeter. It hurts but I kind of live for the pain. It's a reminder that I am alive and have so much to live for, and when those moments come across my path, it makes me cherish every second to the fullest. I cherish the pain as much as the pleasures because ultimately both are what make us full and complete. Accepting the pain with the joy, knowing that good things are worth waiting for, and sometimes they don't come in the way we imagined. I feel like most of the time when we imagine something it presents itself in a very different way.

I have struggled lately with having so many distractions in my life. And by distractions I mean hobbies. I love hiking, training my dogs and birds, crocheting, wood-burning, quilting, scrapbooking, sketching, penmanship, felting, reading, mosaic, writing, photography, editing, graphic design, and the list goes on. I have so many interests that I'm not great at any one thing. I am mediocre at several things. I love watercolor and acrylic painting, yet my paintings are subpar to so many others who call themselves amateurs. My photography is good, but not amazing, it's nothing special. All of my skills…they are just distractions for me. And yes, I do know what I try to distract myself from. Perhaps that's why I seem to have a short attention span, even with projects at work, I will get obsessed with something for a day or two, and for various reasons, I get distracted and while I always return to them, my interest can wane for days. My work passions are set, my interest wanes for other reasons than my personal passions though.

The shadows on the corners of our minds often whisper secret desires or temptations, or sometimes brutal truths that we don't want to see. What would you change if you could? Would you wish to be naive and ignore the whispers? Or would you wish for courage to hear those truths?
There isn't anything wrong with either choice, each one shapes a person into the beautiful soul they are meant to be. Even if they don't see it happening, or feel that they are beautiful; every imperfection and “blemish” is a beautiful line drawn through the colorful design of a butterfly's wings. A monarch could be solid orange and be considered lovely, but the more lines and intricate patterns on its wings and it turns from something lovely into something that you can't take your eyes away from. Every brush stroke, every drop of color, no matter how out of place it might feel, to the eye that's looking, it's a masterpiece.

"To me, happiness is feeling more than whole, it's feeling like everything positive and negative that's happened has been perfect because there you are, feeling like more than just yourself. It's seeing your reflection and feeling a warmth from deep inside. It's ending a conversation and smiling like smiling is the only thing you've ever known and it's ok to grin larger than your lips will allow, because nothing matters except for the emotions you feel after the conversation. The way your body reacts against your control, your insides pull, twist, and ache with a longing of never losing that connection. But it's a happy ache, and for every absence there is a sweet whisper of a promise for next time, next time you talk, next time you smile, next time you recall a memory that makes you feel whole, and more than perfect. It's a garden of eden in this concrete jungle, and for some moments in life it's our peace in this crazy world."

Ocho

A sudden realization that something is right in front of your face. They say that it only takes 30 days to create a habit. After 30 days then something that initially was a chore becomes a part of your routine and you may no longer feel "inconvenienced" by having to do it (go to the gym, skip the fast food meals, cook breakfast, etc). The same can be said for humans being creatures of habit and once we find a comfortable routine, it can be tough to break free of that and try new things. Not always, and sometimes trying new things is very different than changing our habits.

Having always been a very independent soul and individual, I find comfort in human companionship and crave it just like most of us, but I am also comforted and sometimes even crave my silence and alone time. This is nothing unique to me, many people are also just like this; many folks find that solitude is a recharging time and introverts crave it almost more than human touch. Living a certain way for many years doesn't mean that is what we want for the rest of our life; it's always a study of one and what makes one person happy may not make another. Open communication and being willing to listen is key, because as soon as we start writing on the blank pages of someone else's book and fill in their story in our words, we take away something precious from that person. Everyone deserves to fill in their pages on their own and in their own time. Patience and faith that it will be okay can be tough but can also be essential.

It can be hard to change the way you think, or feel, and some might argue that changing the way you feel is impossible. The mind is more powerful than we give it credit for sometimes and I believe that if you can convince yourself of something then it can become a reality. I doubt that this works for things such as "I am convinced that my bedroom light is on" when it's clearly off, and thinking the light switch will magically flip itself on; but if you think of it in terms of mantras and mindsets, I believe that change is possible for feelings.

For some people changing their routine (adjusting to shopping at a new grocery store, or a new coffee shop for example, or something larger such as living with someone after being alone for 10 years) can be incredibly difficult; for others that part is easy. Changing a mindset however, or convincing yourself that you no longer love someone, can be much more challenging.

Can you consider having been in love if you've never crossed the boundaries of friendship? If all you ever have are conversations, a few dinners or drinks here and there, and generally speaking never have physical contact; how can you truly know how you feel about a person? How do you define love, or more specifically, how can you define falling in love? Jane Austen wrote "I was in the middle before I knew I had begun" in reference to a character realizing that they loved someone. It's easy to read in novels or see in movies two characters that meet, have few interactions, and realize they love each other deeply and it was "love at first sight".

I have never believed in love at first sight, I do believe that connections we create with each other throughout our lifetimes can cross over and cause an instant connection between souls; a sort of, calling out to the other and recognizing someone important, even if we don't understand why. Perhaps this is why the concept of falling in love when you are never with the person makes a bit of sense to me. In that same train of thought though, if this is true, can you truly change your mindset and the way you feel about someone? Regardless of how you fell in love or developed strong feelings, can you convince yourself otherwise? Or do you learn how to live with love and find other ways to love? After all, there are many types of love in this world, perhaps it's like collecting coins, and you've simply checked off a few boxes of feelings you have.

Listening to the thunder roll and rain fall softly on the earth outside my window is a comforting sound. It lends me strength and encourages me that everything will be ok. Good friends that I can lean on, strong shoulders that I can rest my weary head on, the steady silent resilience of Mother Nature, these are things that give me strength to keep going. I feel the solid weight of my dog resting his body against my legs and for a few moments, I forget about the stressors of the world.

Finding your rock in life can be important to helping you get through the tough times, it can also help you build your own strength. Being someone's rock can provide a sense of security and strength in itself, as well as bring a sort of stability to your own life. Everything in life should have a balance, like yin and yang; being independent and leaning on someone else should be the same. Finding a balance of someone that you can lean on, and also have the respect of to allow you to be strong on your own when you need to be, can be tricky, but I do believe that it's very possible; I have been lucky to be the rock and to have a rock in a few friendships/relationships with people.

Love is enough

Falling in love can be scary. When you don't understand what this thing is that you're feeling, when you admit to yourself that you're in love, the fear of rejection, of losing them…there are so many terrifying components to love. And sometimes you wonder why bother continuing feeling this way, surely this overwhelming sense of emotion isn't worth it? Then they look at you. One glance, a fleeting moment of eye contact, and somehow, for some reason, you can't breathe. Even ten years later. When you feel that connection with someone that you can trust implicitly, when they understand how you're feeling without even needing to hear your words, just by looking at your face or feeling your emotions…that is why we still love. I believe that we desperately want to feel that connection, we want to believe that there is more to this life than paying bills, going to work, partying, raising a family; regardless of how much hope sucks, deep down it resides inside of us holding on and keeping us going.

They say find someone who can make you laugh because looks fade away. They say find someone who looks at you the way *insert popular TV character* looks at *insert their favorite beverage, food item, or person*. Some people get it right the first time, others have a few marriages and divorces before they find their “one”. Each path is different and everything happens for a reason, sometimes you have to find happiness and then lose it a few times to make you into the best version of yourself for the one you spend the rest of your life with.

“True love is worth fighting for because once you find it, it can never be replaced.” Words that a screenwriter wrote for a TV show but words that ring true. True love is sacrifice, compromise, it's being unselfish, putting the other person first, even if it kills you to do so (Figuratively). Love is hope and can fuel our dreams, and while hope sucks and love can suck too, they work hand in hand to get us through this life and onto what's next.

Trying to find the right words to explain an emotion can be tough. It can also be tough to explain how it's okay to be alone sometimes. I was at a wedding recently, working, and sat down to eat. I was (unplanned) eating at a table by myself, and to me, it seemed the most perfectly natural and comfortable thing. Social constructs have told us that being alone is uncomfortable and not "okay"; there were many people that approached me and told me that they 'felt bad' that I was eating alone. Next time you see someone out and alone, ask yourself how it makes you feel. Then ask yourself why you feel that way.

My theory, if you could call it that, would be that humans are a social species, and perhaps to see "one of our kind" appearing vulnerable, causes a chain reaction in us of "natural feelings" to want to take that person in and make sure that they aren't singled out and picked off by the strong. I am imagining a Savannah with prides of zebra and lion, the lion (predator) wisely goes for the least energy expending opportunity to obtain its' next meal. If you put a can of reddi-whip in front of the predator's face, and he doesn't have to run across the room to grab a meatball, nature dictates that he'll perform to obtain the highest value reinforcer with the least amount of exertion possible. With humans, why seeing a person sitting alone in a room full of party-going guests would bring up feelings of uncomfortableness, or feeling sorry for the loner, is something that I am trying to figure out.

In humans, working for reinforcers, it's not very different from the lion metaphor I suppose. A human that can call a pizza place and have it brought to their house is essentially the lion at the gate waiting for Reddi-whip. When it comes to love, however, it seems we find the most complex, complicated, and heart-wrenching ways to live and express ourselves. At least until we find that one person (or in some cases maybe several people) that we can just breathe and relax around. The person that we can just feel ourselves with, with no fear of judgment or worry that they will leave us or get upset because they are misinterpreting something we said or didn't say. And ultimately, love, openness, compassion, can all be enough to make us happy if we allow it to.

Inquebrantable; Unbent, unbowed, unbroken

Mexico
I've grown up traveling the world, and I feel incredibly lucky in that aspect. Perhaps that's why I have such a strong desire to travel in my job as well, it's what I'm used to. Meeting new people, seeing new sites, experiencing different cultures...eating the food (I'm not a technical "foodie" but I do love to eat!)

I was lucky enough to attend a conference in Puebla, Mexico. It's the first time that I have ever been to Mexico, and it was wonderful to use my Spanish again. I was able to meet people and friends in person that I had come to know through emails over the last year, and we had a great conference learning from each other and connecting. Looking back I remember feeling a sense of acceptance and belonging that are essential to all humans to feel nurtured and to grow.  It was incredible to sit in a room full of distinguished individuals, who had been doing the work I was doing for many more years than myself, actually listen and give me respect as I spoke, sometimes about things I wasn't super confident or skilled in. It was an atmosphere where brainstorming truly meant open opinions and open minds, and where hiking up a pyramid was a bonding experience that once we made it to the top, and we were sitting there taking in the view, we were all left breathless, and not just from the lack of Oxygen!

There are times in our lives where we reach a crossroads, sometimes we don't realize it until we are there but they are pivotal moments in one way or another. Sometimes we are standing there for a long time before we realize that we have been standstill, and all of a sudden a clear path, or at least a glimmer of one, opens up before us and we realize that we have a choice. Whether it's literal or figurative, it can be a life altering moment, or maybe not! May be it is simply a small turn at the moment but later on in life leads us somewhere very far from where we expected to be. Maybe it's a margarita, maybe it's a conversation…or maybe it's a self realization that you need to listen to your heart.

In the end, like a ripple on a pond, you return to where you started, to where you are complete. Life may be a journey of reaching out, making waves, pushing through the stillness only to find that peace exists when you accept where you belong. It's okay to move along, to find new shores, it's how we grow, whether at a glacial speed or during a springtime snow melt rush, in the end we find a certain calmness accepting what's always been there all along, the depth, the ocean, the calm. Being able to take a deep breath, look around, and be okay with where we are, even if we know it isn't our final destination. Having the faith that given time, we will be okay, and that we are in our current position to learn something, or to teach someone something, can bring a small measure of comfort when we are questioning everything around us.

Places!

Let's try and talk about trips for a bit. I have been very fortunate to travel a lot for my job and also in my personal life. I grew up in the military and loved moving, hiding behind "box forts", collecting as much clear packing tape as possible to make a giant tape ball (having contests with my sisters to make the biggest one!)
As an adult I don't collect packing tape any longer (well in a way I do but that's to ship animals not to make giant tape balls!), but I do collect memories from my trips. Networking, drinking (tomat-o, toma-toe), flights, layovers, presentations, meetings, and early morning coffee to combat the late night drinking.

Whether I am driving on a long haul animal transfer or flying across the country to a conference, each trip has led to many lasting memories and wonderful friendships. From workshops to trainings, I can honestly say that traveling is a better form of finding happiness than shopping or being a lazy bum on the couch for the weekend (though those do have their own merits!)

Portland and a Goat
The first real big shipment that I've had the luck to go on was my longest drive to date and it took me right through a city where just two days later I would fly into and present on a topic that I took pride in with my previous job at my first big conference. The trip started out simply enough, driving through Colorado listening to my cohorts talk in the front seat while I folded art brochures for an upcoming event.

22 hours later and we still had a few hours to go before our final destination! Driving through construction traffic in some city at 2 am, cruising past a tree farm and marveling at how straight the rows were, and then also celebrating one of the co drivers birthdays by acting like we were Facebook sending notifications and hashtag (ding! HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY P-DUBS!!!!!)...we definitely found ourselves a bit slap happy by the end of our 3-4 day journey. I will say that the beer we had when we finally reached our hotel and destination at the end of a 25-26 hour drive was one of the best beers of my life!

Piggybacking with that trip we were all participants in an online behavior course that had just started, which was led by one of the most incredible women I have ever known. She has the ability to speak softly and soothingly yet command more respect and attention than a marine drill sergeant. Her philosophies on life are ones that I have always worked towards and her attitude towards people is one that I am working hard on adopting.

Life is not all positive, whether in a training aspect or simply in a viewpoint/actuality. I don't trust people that are all sunshine and daisies every day, it doesn't feel natural. I have strived to be honest, to myself and in the way I represent myself. The problem with this is that when I am not a "fan" of someone, they know it. And truly, I don't view this as a real problem, I despise people that are fake-whether for the sake of being political or simply because they don't want to hurt someone's feelings.

The wonderful thing about Susan is her ability to make every individual feel as if they are the most important person in the world and the complete center of her attention. I find the notion that someone can be this good baffling, and she'll be the first to admit she isn't perfect but her openness and acceptance of everything is perfect.

A Gorilla and some corn fields
Less than 6 months after my first long haul I found myself on another, this time to California and this time with a much more odorous companion. I don't mean (Dina) but rather, a dark new friend in the back half of our van. Thankfully the straight through drive on our return journey was less than the straight through drive to Oregon but if you've ever smelled a gorilla, well let's just say that at the end of the trip, there was no need to refresh with deodorant, and no one ever knew the difference!

The best part about long hauls (coming from someone who hates driving and has never kept that secret) is the bonding with the other people in the car. Watching car pool karaoke, stopping at an Indian casino for gas (ironically the same one on both sides of the trip!), souvenir shopping at a small place in Arizona or looking for cold beer at the grocery shop in Santa Barbara, it was all a wonderful time spent together!

Not long before that trip (or was it after? Time melds together so easily) was another conference trip, this time to a place I had lived for the least amount of time. Funny how six months in a place can make such an impact on your life, but that is what Omaha did for me and my return journey there was no less insightful for me. A quick flight there and a snowy 8 hour drive home with 20 some-odd egrets while another zoos staff drove ahead and updated us on the number of rolled over semis, and it was overall another amazing opportunity to find a place in the world for me.

I had (by most concerns) no right to be interested in this particular conference. Not being in a position of "importance", or having worked with any of the species, but being good friends with Cali, and learning more about who I was and what I wanted. Most importantly I found a place where I felt comfortable, respected, heard, and even a bit knowledgeable. I fell in love with a species I had never heard of before (look up Saola. Just do it.), and made new friends that I would connect with again in Albuquerque, where I would once again feel that connection of belonging.

"You know your stuff. And you're good at what you do. But you don't know what you know." It might sound like an odd quote but it is one that has helped encourage me and given me the reinforcement that I needed to keep going some days. I miss Cali, but I know that we are both where we need to be and she is continuing to inspire me and encourage me every day.

Mae'n Dyrys (It's Puzzling)

Two people whose eyes meet across a room, and they feel a connection that can't be explained; Through life we are slowly finding pieces of our puzzle to put into place. Sometimes the cat steals a corner piece, or we think we found a perfect fit and a few rows later we realize that the piece was jammed in the wrong hole (sometimes the square pegs look like they fit in the round holes). Even though we try to reach nirvana (heaven) and fill in the entire puzzle, that isn't always what will happen in the this life. It might take a few. It might take the puzzle falling apart a few times before we figure it out. Finding someone who makes us feel like we are home, someone to help us with our puzzle while we help them with theirs, that can be the most satisfying feeling in the world.

Maybe we are meant to have more in this life, or maybe less. Life is definitely not fair, but maybe through this puzzle we find pieces that make sense and we can fit them in. And maybe sometimes the only pieces that make sense are the ones in the middle, the ones that make up the face of a sloth, and the jungle is a tangle that we can't seem to sort through. It can be frustrating to see what makes sense, to feel it so close, yet not be able to connect it just yet.

When we meet our "puzzle sloths" (insert whichever favorite animal you prefer), it can become easy to fixate on them. When you've built up your border, and year after year through resilience and fighting you have found and pieced together corners of the jungle, maybe a tree here and a canopy there, but you feel lost and stuck after that...and then you stumble upon a complete, familiar face, how do you not focus on it? It gives you a center, a familiarity that you finally feel like you can see what the whole picture will look like. You are filled with a sense of strength that you forgot you had, and you are reinvigorated to continue piecing the puzzle together, to find where the sloth will be.

Sometimes there are days when I want to flip the table, everything feels upside down, the puzzle might as well be too, right? But then I see that sloth, and it reminds me, even its distance, that it's ok. Today might suck, hell this whole year might, but it will be ok.

It's hard to find where you want to be and what you want, but to be unable to get there makes it even harder. All through life we take steps towards a state of nirvana (or heaven, whichever you believe). Sometimes knowing what you want in life is a blessing and other times it feels like a curse. In some lives we may not ever know what we want, so to be sure of it and to know that we are on the right path can be reassuring, and perhaps this life we are meant to learn patience as we travel to where we are meant to be.

I do cherish the moments in my life where I was wrong. If I had not been so bigoted in my younger years, I couldn't have had such a strong "come to Jesus" awakening in high school of how much more to life there was. And I don't mean that in a "being an adult" sort of knowledge, it's much more existential than that. One lesson I am grateful to have learned is how to live and be non judgmental. (Ok I will admit I am not perfect and I do judge....but only stupidity and ego.)

Happiness...what is it? Talking and having an honest conversation with an old friend who is genuinely there and cares about you enough to actually respect you? A quiet walk by the creek with a trusted companion? Or a cup of tea and a pile of blankets with a warm cat in your lap? Happiness can look like a lot of different things and at different times mean either more or less. To be in a position where you know what happiness looks like for you can sometimes be the hardest part.

Along with that is being comfortable and confident in yourself. Finding happiness within yourself, knowing who you are and what you're feeling, that's vital in life. It's one thing to be told that you're beautiful, it's another to feel it. And when you are raised in an environment that was real and honest, but maybe never told you these words, does it make it harder to believe as an adult? Perhaps. To hear the words "you are so incredible, and so wonderful...Such an amazing woman and so beautiful.", how can these words mean so little?

I've learned that you can't simply tell someone with low self esteem or poor body image something and make them believe it. No more than you can tell someone with anxiety to calm down or someone with cancer to not be sick. If someone feels unattractive (even if they shine like the sun on a summers morn over the Atlantic Ocean), the last thing they need to hear is "you're so beautiful!", because I can guarantee that they will feel hollow and empty inside if they don't believe it. To go back to the puzzle metaphor, if they have a few staggered pieces here and there with no foundation, it will slip through the cracks and drain them of their energy.

What can you do say to someone in that position instead? It's hard to write a script for that moment. You have to truly care enough about them to understand how they feel loved, how they feel heard, and how they are feeling even when they are lying. Reading the signs, riding the waves, it's a constant change. Building them up, finding ways to give them indirect compliments that help build their self esteem...that's the tricky part but can be easy if you know them well.

Trying to figure out where to go in life, having bad days and good moments. Some good days with bad moments. Knowing that happiness is a state of mind, a choice, and shouldn't be found in a person.

That's enough cliches for this chapter (maybe), but the truth of it is that while I am happy with who I am, I'm not perfect. I do still derive some measure of happiness from those around me, perhaps that is the empath in me, perhaps its' simply the human part of my emotions.

Hearing from someone who means a lot to me can sometimes be enough to make me smile and cheer me up. Even if they are telling me "F*** you, ;-)" in jest, in a way that makes it feel like even more of a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. And likewise, telling someone that I didn't have a great day and simply having that 'ignored' and only followed up with a "good night, love ya" can be enough to bring me down a little. In a hollow and empty way; because it seems that I have discovered where my heart truly lies and that in itself has been an interesting discovery.

Every once in awhile we take our puzzle apart a little before a bigger piece falls into place. Sometimes we have to take a chunk somewhere else and get fresh eyes on it to see how it fits in. And then sometimes we look away from building ours to help a friend build theirs, and occasionally we discover that both are interconnected in someway, or that they had the missing piece that we had been searching for.

Giraffes & Training: Together?

What do you do when you find yourself cross eyed for a cupcake and so blind to the sugar that your loyalty is on yourself, and the sugar, more than on the supplier?

Just as with humans, animal relationships are the same. It's all a philosophy of looking at souls. It's
not about black skin or white skin, it's not about a dog or a giraffe. Building a relationship to a point of loyalty and trust takes a long time, it takes a lot of deposits into a trust account. Only once you have that history can your relationship handle withdrawals and a few dips in the market. Anything, over time, can fade away, and sometimes it will break without a warning. At least not a warning that is immediately identifiable, but there is no reaction without an action.

Whether you are training an animal to allow you to stick a needle in them, or you are creating a foundation of trust and love with a close friend, if you don't allow them choice and control, or options to participate willingly, there is an inevitable end where the behavior or the relationship will break. With time you can bring it back, until you can't anymore. You never know when that point is until you've reached it, but hopefully with an enlightened point of view, and a willingness to admit fault and grow, with conscious effort to be better, the chances of that are dramatically decreased. Pez-feeding a relationship with cupcakes, crackers, words, or gestures can only sustain it for so long. Allow them the option to choose to be with you; help them fall in "love" and genuinely enjoy your company, so that when the inevitable down slopes of life occur, they know that spending that time with you will make it better.

It's natural to crave a level of intimacy in our relationships that fills our desire to be needed and wanted. Whether we are moving onto a new career, or starting a life with a new family, or even just starting a new relationship with a new soul, we all want to feel "helpful". Sometimes that helpful is to bring an animal comfort and joy when they are around us or see us. Sometimes it's to help a close friend through a tough time, or even an easy time, but simply being there to curse, or listen, or have a tissue or a beer fulfills our sense of duty and obligation.  When someone leaves you unexpectedly, it makes you want to crawl into the hole they left behind and stop trying.

But you can't. Well, you can, and your soul simply won't grow, and for some people that's ok. After enough cycles, we build resilience and a little voice inside drives us to keep going, it feeds us keep going signals even when we have no faith in hope, because we know, that it's ok. We know that it's for a reason and on levels we don't even consciously recognize, there is a comfort in that. It isn't hope that drives us at that point, it's a resilience built from lifetimes of fighting and pushing and growing to where we are now. And for those around us 'old souls' that struggle and fall down and need a hand, we feel obligated to be there for them, sometimes even when all we want is to leave the world behind, because it's the right thing to do.

It may not be the end of the world, but pain is perceived differently by everyone. Who knows why one cryptorchid moose will allow a hand in places that cause grown men to blush, but another won't approach a human they've known for years? One heartbreak might bring a grown man to his knees, whereas a thousand broken hearts leaves a woman standing stronger and unflinching. Until the soul she never thought she'd lose, the one she felt more akin with than her own even, becomes like a will-o-wisp and leaves a tangibly empty hole that brings a pain into her life that infiltrates everything. No matter the pain or anger caused by other fairly substantial events, the repeated phrase is "I think you're more upset about 'her'. Someone who has nothing to do with this event directly." And each time, there is zero denial and 100% acceptance of this statement.
Ultimately we are all stronger than we think. It takes a strong crash to awaken us to it sometimes, or a needle poke to realize where our loyalty is. Is it with the supplier of the cupcake, or have we been cross eyed this entire time? Where do we stand now?

Satiation and hormones vs romantic (or Oceanography)

With frustrations in life we tend to vent about them, yell at the object of our frustration, write down what we are feeling, yell about them, hit things, meditate and let the feelings go...there are many different ways.

And then once the satiation is met, the tide recedes and emotions are temporarily at ease. Life is a
constant roller coaster; an ebb and flow through time of ups and downs. Through it all we have a few constants, just like how the same wave doesn't surface exactly the same, but the ocean is always there below it...there are people in our lives that are either waves or the depths. And then there are tidal waves. Let's call satiation the tidal waves, hormones the waves, and romantic the depths.

Sometimes romantic can also simply be the close friendships that we create and have in our lives; not always romantic involvement but they are people in our lives that know us better than we know ourselves sometimes. One of those people that I am so incredibly grateful for in my life is Eekhoorn. Not because she makes me say "eek" at some of the messages I get from her, but because is a perfect combination of strength, steadfastness, inappropriate humor, sass, empathy, and understanding all rolled into one beautifully quirky woman! I will be forever grateful that she started a conversation and invited me out to a beer, that was one of the best decisions of the year that I made. She, along with a select few others, have kept me sane this year, and in the same breath has not only encouraged my craziness but embraces it and matches me step for step.

The waves are only natural, and some days are definitely better than others. It's when the tidal waves rush in; the calm before the storm is eerily silent and the next thing you know an overwhelming sense of emotion washes over you; leaving nothing in its' wake unblemished. At the end of the recession however, the depths are still there, understanding and accepting that sometimes, things happen. Usually a tidal wave is a cause of a resonating earthquake or other massive natural disaster; the tidal wave doesn't always follow immediately.

As frustrated as it is to find yourself caught in a tidal wave, and hating every single uncomfortable toss and turn, it's inevitable in life and eventually the rushes will stop and the deep sea will settle once again. Knowing where the rushing tides are gathering and trying to keep your senses about you can be tough, and it's okay to not resist the every time. Taoists will teach to go with the natural flow of life and not fight against nature; I think that sometimes these tidal waves are a natural effect from a cause that we can't always control.

Even if we find ourselves wanting nothing to do with certain souls (and we know deep down that we have taken precautions to protect our hearts and created walls), they find ways to interject themselves into our lives and test our barriers, even with hot wire and sharp bite, they'll still jump in and try to pet the warthogs. An earthquake will rumble down the mountain and with a smile to cover the canines we feel deep in our bones that trusting what felt like nothing may very well create a tidal wave in the future.

What do you do when your gut tells you one thing, and every fact points to other logics? Sometimes all you can do is ride out the storms, fall back to the depths for stability, and prepare yourself for the next wave. Thank goodness for the ocean, because without it we would all be lost.

It never gets easier, and life is pain

Whether it's pain, death, a break up, rejection, failure...life...it never "gets easier". If anything it gets harder because with each loss we learn to love a little more, we learn to try a little harder, we learn to become more resilient to the pain from that specific incident but life rarely gives us the exact same situation twice.

Even when we know better, we put ourselves in situations that we know will be messy or cause us pain, because we know that we can't go through life in a bubble. For me personally, I have always been attracted to pain. Emotional, but pain nonetheless. I've tried to pinpoint where in my life I began to feel dead inside, how I became apathetic, and I'm sure it was a collection of many moments. As a young child in elementary school, I remember often being outgoing and friendly, always being the one to help someone else, and often labeled the 'teachers pet'. I used to give my teachers a hug every morning, the thought of that now blows my mind, that I used to enjoy human touch and not hold back from it.

My family are not the "touchy-feely" type, we don't say "I love you" and we don't communicate well. My parents way of giving me "the talk" was to hand me some books that described the male and female anatomy and how babies were made. This was in the sixth grade. I can't help but tense up when my sisters try to hug me or are close to me, for some reason that I have yet to figure out. Some people give me the same reaction, and then others I feel completely comfortable around and actually enjoy the closeness.

And yet one of my top 'love languages' is physical touch. In an intimate relationship I thrive on it, not as much as words or time, but it becomes something that I need as much as air to breathe some days. How can it be that we can be so strong on our own, so independent without any support, and all of that can seemingly change when someone enters our lives?

Maybe deep down, the real me is the cheesy, sappy, romantic who wants someone to spoil who will also spoil me with their words and attention (fun fact, one of my weaknesses is someone who will send me photos and videos of what they are doing throughout their day...nothing dirty, but just honest, genuine glimpses into their day. I love that.). And how is it possible to become so attached to those feelings, those intense, all-consuming emotions that connect us to another human being that we become totally different people overnight?

What does it mean when an individual that rarely cries but can become so engrossed in emotions when the time is right, feels so lost that for once in their life they find themselves holding in tears for themselves. When the pain of being hurt by someone that they love more than they thought it was possible to love, and the heartache of realizing what they have isn't what they hoped couple together and numbs them to the core....and they are left with the realization that they are lost and their closest loves are no longer there. It makes being on your own feel empty.

It never does get easier. That isn't the way of life, you build strength so you can get over the next hurdle with a bit more ease but the hurdle is still there. The disappointments, heartaches, loss, and tears will always be a part of life, and I for one am oddly grateful for the reminders that life is pain. Through the pain we grow, we learn about ourselves and what we are capable of.

To the people out there who will argue with me that life is not pain, that life is how I view it and if I don't accept God into my life, become an optimist, and embrace love and peace I'll never be happy...go screw yourselves. I have God in my life, I don't need to pray to him in a congregation of bible believers to have him in my life. Optimism is ridiculous, the glass is never full of your favorite beverage. And I do embrace peace and love, I don't openly invite chaos, deceit, and pain into my life. Life is purely pain and stress and we can find peace and love in our days, we can find happiness within ourselves and with God, and good things can come along but it's foolish to set ourselves up to assume it will always be like that.

I continuously find myself imagining the pots repaired with gold tonight, wondering what will I find

to repair the cracks and broken parts of me. Will the gold be love? Self or given by someone else, or with God. Will the gold be passion in my career? Will I find it by traveling and stumbling across some treasure chest of unknown discovery of myself?

Wherever the repairs come from, I know that they will come, and even though hope sucks, and life is pain, I still have hope and life is still worth living and enjoying. Friend that don't judge us, memories created with loved ones, finding time to do what truly makes us happy...these are the moments that create a life well lived and worth living.

Keep Going Cues

When you are searching in life for something more, and you start reaching at the fringes of your sanity, how does that make you feel? Momentarily fantastic when you get a sensation you want? Massively let down when you keep searching and turn up fruitless?

To use a training reference, we are all looking for that "keep going" signal. No matter where we are in life, learning a new behavior, continuing a behavior we know well...we are always searching for what's next, and looking for cues from those around us. Even the most confident learner still needs reinforcement and encouragement  that they are doing well, it's ridiculous to think that just because you gave them a "great job" once that they will hold that with them forever and continue to feel as good as that initial completion. We are creatures of habit and also searchers for that "high", that feel good fix that comes when we do something well.

This applies to personal growth as much as to habits, ethics, morals, and things we do in our daily life. A person can be confident in who they are, and happy, truly happy, with who they are. They don't have to be insecure to search, they simply have to be unsatisfied in one or two areas of their life significantly enough that they start to feel lost. There are people in my life that are drifters and some that are anchors. Even the anchors search sometimes in life, but the drifters never find solid ground.
I know who I am, I know what I believe. I also maintain that flexibility and humbleness of accepting that I could always be wrong, sometimes very wrong, but if I trust my instincts I've learned that I can be wrong less but learn new things easier. As confusing as that sounds it isn't, because simply put, someone taciturn can be proven wrong but they are too stubborn to believe it. A flexible person can be wrong, but go with the flow early on and learn something new. I am also stubborn and have a tough time giving up on something Or someone that I believe in.

This could be why I believe so strongly in reincarnation because it gives me a solid believe that the reason I feel so strongly about some people is because we knew each other in a past life. For better or worse, reincarnation gives me something to move forward from, a starting point as to why I feel so nervous around deep water, why I feel such an intense connection with someone I barely know, and why certain people put me on edge from before we even say hello.

The "keep going" can be as simple as support, and that looks different to everyone. So much in life is dependent on feeling supported or included, or appreciated, even our non-work related life. Sometimes feeling like you're heard, or directly or indirectly supported, can mean more than a bottle of wine and a case of gummy frogs at the end of a long day. (That might be a very reinforcing thing for me...)

Essentially I believe that in life we look for those that give us the reinforcement we desire and need to survive. For some souls it might be someone who constantly tells them what a great job they are doing and showers them with compliments and gifts, always letting them know that they love them and are thinking of them. For other souls they could simply need a presence nearby that they know is solid and they can trust, someone who will tell them when they need to hear it most and sometimes randomly that they are on their mind. It's different for everyone and in different parts of our life we could need different things.

Even the most stubborn will find a point of no return. A point where the pain and broken heart are beyond repair, sometimes because they are simply exhausted from trying to hold it together. And when you know there is no logical future in this life, and you feel deep down that something has changed, it's hard to not feel disheartened by that and just walk away. Through this pain, what sort of growth can be found? It might be at the root of every moment of pain and distress in your life for awhile, and even the normal stress of life feels either lifeless or compounded with the pain of a thousand heartaches if you really analyze it. It's miserable, there's no sugar coating it, there's also no get well soon remedy. Time will pass, and the love that never faded will still remain but the pain of the broken heart will fade. The sadness at what was lost and never known will ease with time and one day, the experiences will make you stronger. Maybe also feel dead inside because hope sucks and life never truly throws you a bone, but you're able to get through your days without crying when you hear their name. And that can be considered a win.

Big Heart (Great Power)=Big Heartache (Great Responsibility)

This more relates to the potential for a heartache if you have a heart, and the more you love the more you stand to be hurt. There's also great pleasure to be found if you're willing to risk it.

It's hard to stay positive with all of the pain in the world right now. We live in uncertain times, but when has that ever not been true? Whether we were living in the Age of the Tudor's and plague was a constant worry and threat, or the Medieval Age when wartimes and backstabbing were bloody and often left a wake of destruction behind wherever it tore through. Even now, in parts of the world (and our own country), people live on the street corners, begging for pennies just to eat for the day, children are left parentless and parents are forced to bury their children.

I don't say all of this to bring down the tone of the book; on the contrary there aren't many topics that are so globally important that I will be discussing because I don't want to 'take a side' or cause drama, just thoughts.

Part of where this is taking me is the thought of feeling like I'm alive and on fire...like every circuit in my body is abuzz and lighting up. It's different than my normal feeling. Normally, when I am home and content, and surrounded by 2 dogs, a cat behind me and a cat on my lap, and three parrots calmly chattering to themselves, it feels like a very peaceful and quiet evening. I feel normal, routine, relaxed, perhaps a bit bored but I don't care to change my boredom to a life of wild living-this is really nice and I'm very happy to be home at the moment as I'm typing this.

And then there was that week where I was reminded of what it felt like to be a live. Wondering how it will be when that is interjected into my little normal that I have, I'm unsure of the change but excited because I trust it will be good. So good that as I am typing this, I am reminded of what is waiting for me.

A-holes & Rubber bands

This is a chapter that's been slowly forming over the past few months. Chandler has been the primary "instigator" that has caused this thought process to start but he is by no means the main focus of this bit. Why do people find themselves drawn to the "bad boys" (or girls)? Working off the theory that I have of mirrors, and that people come into our lives for reasons, what does someone the opposite of us, who treats us like crap, do for us?

Being consistently ignored until they need something, or are in the mood and then they want to talk, acting like you don't exist when you're in the room until the "power players" or people they need move on and they are done with them, then they might come recognize that you're there. Why would we be drawn to those people? Especially when we know we deserve better (and have better), we are still drawn to be friends with that person, or acknowledged by them. It's certainly not a romantic or lustful attraction, it's a human connection.

Like a rubber band, we snap back right before we break and walk away. But each time the tension builds and the band gets a little thinner. Our resistance to take more of a stretch grows but our line grows thinner and one day it'll snap and there won't be a good repair for that.

The same concept applies to more than toxic people in our lives, it applies to any toxic situation really. Let's say you spend 2,080 hours with the same group of people each year, for a decade (that's 20,800 hours roughly), and the rubber band relaxes for weeks, sometimes months. And then it gets stretched out pretty far, you think you'll get shot off into the next continent, and then you feel the tension ease and it's comfortable for awhile again. Until the next event pops up, and before you can relax you're pulled tight again, feeling the stress upon every joint and hoping you don't shatter.

Respect has always been something that is earned and not a right in my life. I believe in being genuine and true to yourself, and acting honestly. I try to keep an open mind, I've been better at it the last month than in my past, but no one is perfect. It's still very hard to not feel let down or exhausted when your position holds very little weight in the eyes of those who's decisions affect your professional development and career. The same can be said for the ones who hold your heart or your respect.

True, you shouldn't allow others to dictate how your feel about yourself, how you live your life, or how you treat others. But when you are feeling broken, exhausted, mentally spent...it's natural to be drawn to a place of familiarity. Sometimes it's a toxic past to fleeting moments, sometimes it's within ourselves, sometimes fighting for what's right becomes so seemingly unbearable and we the constant uphill battle is too much and we have to take a step or two backwards. I don't think that there is anything wrong with this, there is nothing wrong with being imperfect. In order to grow and know our own value I think we have to put ourselves in situations where we might be disrespected, or treated like less than we are worth simply to remind ourselves of what we are capable of.

When pushing ourselves to the limit to prove our value appears to get us no where, sometimes we resort to the path of least resistance, the last behavior that gave us the reinforcement we desire. A sense of accomplishment, a feeling of acceptance, sometimes even simply a kind or flattering word, even if we know the moment is fleeting. In some cases I think that resorting to a more familiar and consistent behavior pattern can build our confidence back up when we are feeling defeated. Might not be the healthiest way to process disappointment and defeat, but everything in moderation is good, right?