Tuesday, January 24, 2017

Myriad of Memories

A song can trigger a memory and transport you to a time 28 years prior to a time when finding an abandoned nickel in melted ice cream is so exciting, like finding buried treasure. And then, just as quick as reality, a sharp scold from a parent changes buried treasure to trash and leaves it abandoned in the melting sugar.

From that memory another is struck, of multiple memories of a beloved grandpa who would collect stray objects and mail them to his granddaughters, little tokens of his love and ability to create treasure from trash. Pennies, arrowheads, empty bullet casings, keys, even pretty rocks with a simple "love grandpa" penned on the side...these are a few of the simple gifts that are now cherished items waiting to be placed in a shadow box.

It's easy to get lost in the memories and feelings of our past, sometimes too easy and we can forget to take the lessons we learned, and the good feelings felt at those times, and to live presently with them. For those of us that are old souls, it can be hard to not lost ourselves in the lessons we've learned, though if they are truly learned it should be easier to stay in the moment.

Amongst the memories, I would ask each of you reading this to recall your best first kiss ever.

Thinking of it? Why is it the best? Can you still recall the taste of it? The pressure, tempo, time of day, where you were? Of the first kisses that I remember, the most memorable have been both ones that took my breath away, and one that was purely situational-as in I wasn't left breathless but I was shocked that I was on the 20th or so floor of a very nice hotel with someone that I had pursued for months that in my mind at the time, I thought was well out of my league.

Listening to Cary Brothers, "Can't take my eyes off of you" I can't help but think that I don't want any more first kisses. Not in this life. I've had two first kisses with someone that never fails to take my breath away, someone that has seen my scars and I've seen there's; and being together isn't easy, nothing is ever super easy, but it's perfect.

Most of us deserve better, some have more than they deserve. It's important to love and be loved as much as you can in the end. Love is what is important, not how you deserve it though. Giving to another without selfish intent, it can be harder than thought. And it can be effortless when you least expect it.

Receiving an "F", for "Full Glass of Wine" (in being polite)

In yet another interesting car ride, the term "You receive an "F"" came out in reference to me being "not polite", essentially. Which then became, "as in a full glass of wine, which is what I'm going home to" (yes I added that bit). "F" can also be for "fine line", "friends", and "forgiveness". Perhaps tonight is a night for all of those in reflection.

A handful of garlic fries, a glass of wine, a slice of cheese, and a tangerine...after a quick belly dance work out. That was my evening. And listening to my parrots chatter, one dog squeeze his toy while another naps on my lap, and Arabian flute music while typing.

On days when you are forced to contemplate where you stand and what matters, it tends to leave people in different moods. For some they may become very withdrawn and quiet, others might gain an abundance of energy and chatter non-stop as they sort through all the thoughts in their head. I tend to be more of the former type of person, being an introverted soul.

Stress and drama are two things that none of us want in life, yet to some people it seems as if they are moths to the flames. Or flames to the moths? I resent being told that I must like drama because I surround myself with situations that cause it. I'm told that by harboring loathing and hated for people I am, in essence, not a great person and I bring my own misery upon myself. I don't agree 100% with that but I also don't deny it 100%. I think that it is natural to want attention, as proven by social media, the news, even rewards programs. We want to be recognized for being great, and sometimes we want to be seen as being better than we are because of underlying insecurities.

I have seen people, many good friends and many acquaintances, that have such bad self esteem or feeling of self value and worth, that they almost bleed over confidence and drama. For some, it's not as obvious until you peel back the layers and see them for who they are, and then in every gesture and word you can feel their insecurities as distinctly as if they were butterflies landing on your skin. Slight, but present. Other people are more of an avalanche hitting you as soon as they walk in the door, and for my part, I don't want anything to do with that and I try to separate myself out.

Naturally, in a professional field, we don't always have the option of avoiding everyone we don't mesh well with, sometimes we don't mesh because of obvious reasons, or maybe the reasons are that they are an avalanche of drama and insecurities that we can't stand to be overwhelmed by. Maybe it's someone that has an obstinate and strong personality that we butt heads with (maybe because we also have a strong personality, maybe because we are timid and afraid to speak up). Whatever the reason we do have to be polite to them. We carry on conversations and act genial and friendly towards them, and it can be genuine. It can also be forced.
What happens when an outsider, who knows us well or thinks they do, sees the way we act around those we aren't fond of, but knows us well enough to know that sometimes we need to vent? There is a fine line between fake and professional. And finding a safe way to get the stress of the day out, can be an even more difficult line to find. As if we are walking on barbed wire, we are conscientious of knowing how to count, how to speak, even sometimes how to breathe.

We can rise above it all or let it wear us down. In the end, we need to find the silver linings.

Sometimes when I am stressed (ok most times), I clean. It helps me feel in control of something in my life. When I am mentally exhausted I'll clean until I'm physically exhausted. And then, just when I'm down, I get kicked. But overall, while it's a new bruise, it's not a new pain. And after a knee jerk response, the healing time is remarkably fast compared to 8 years ago. Or even 3 years ago.

Happiness in life is a circle, and honestly that just autocorrected choice to circle and I'm leaving it. Because circle is as true as choice. Life will spin you around and without the downfalls you may not appreciate the happiness or positive moments as much. The key is keeping a positive outlook (for me to say this right now is a huge sign on improvement on my part and I can point at one big factor to that). Knowing that not all negative things will stay negative, being open to the silver linings, and knowing that pain is temporary but happiness can always be found if you're flexible.

Back to the drama bit, sometimes we do everything we can to avoid it. Living healthy lives, being calm in every situation, viewing life through open lenses and not getting upset about the finer details, even going with the big picture when it changes, having faith in a bigger plan. And sometimes, other people, namely ones who maybe have some deeper insecurities than we know, will lash out for unknown reasons and try to draw us in. It's as unfeasible to say we can live a drama-free life as it is to say life should be all positive reinforcement. We can certainly be like ducks in the water and let it roll off of our back, but as humans we have to fight against a knee jerk response to feel something. And I don't think we should fight it, as a Taoist isn't it better to recognize it and then let it go, letting it eke out its existence in its own time?