Thursday, October 19, 2017

Moving On, New Horizons

Sometimes finishing and walking away is even harder than starting something. Starting something is relatively simple; you sit down and start writing, or drawing, or you just start putting one foot in front of the other and start moving. Starting can be hard but its' simple, you just simply do it.
The same could potentially be said for finishing as well. You just simply stop doing what you were doing. However, breaking a habit, or a routine, isn't always easy. Change is hard, and when something has been a part of your life in a way for months, or years, it can be scary to say you're moving on. But healing.

When do you know when it's the end? When do you put down the pen and say, that's enough of this book, let's move onto a new one, the next adventure. Being able to let go of something that has felt so good for so long, even if the reasons never made sense, is easier said than done. At the beginning of this I just started writing, as hard as it was at times to find the words, or the topics, I just wrote, and it all worked out. Perhaps on the other end, things will simply start to make more sense as time goes on now that I've started to stop.

Whether you're fleeing from a fire-breathing dragon while being chased by a hoard of horseback riding, screaming madmen wielding deadly blades, and not knowing when to surrender, or you're standing on the outskirts waiting for the massacre to end, so you can surrender and hopefully live in peace afterwards, it's ultimately with what can you live with for yourself. Do you need to fight until the end for your pride, or can you realize when enough is enough and call a truce to save your men(tal health)?

Holding onto a security blanket, or a person, and believing that you're independent while using a crutch to stay "sane"...can you really claim that you're a strong, independent person? There's no shame in being weak sometimes. There's nothing wrong with leaning on someone else from time to time; I don't believe that having a source of pleasure in life that you can revel in from time to time when you are feeling most vulnerable makes you a weak individual. Everyone needs someone sometimes, whether it's a friendly soul to go out and have a relaxing beverage with, or a friendly okapi to snuggle into your shoulder, or a fat cat that claims your lap as their domain. Souls helping souls is what life is all about, no one can do it all on their own, as strong and independent as one might be, there is a point where vanity and pride can be a negative thing. There are other times when it's a benefit, everything in moderation, as always.

A wall of memories, a desk full of small notes, brochures and maps from places visited, any memento that reminds me of a person that has helped shape into who I am...moving all of the dusty cobwebs to make room for new memories is hard. It's a tangible reminder and representative of a big part of my life. Listening to "What If You", and the first lyrics are "What if you could wish me away....what if you spoke those words today?" I haven't felt like I've been in a bad place these last 7 years, in fact it's quite the opposite. I'm ready for a change though, something with a promise at the end and something that will inspire me to hope; big words for me to speak, I'm not 100% sold on that yet, so we'll see how it all works out.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Songs of the Heart

For a long time I never knew how to write. I didn't know what I was missing, what I needed in order to write. Sometimes I get the craving to write but no words will flow, so I write a grocery list, or read an old story I wrote, something that uses my motor function or sparks a creative node in my brain. The story I come back to is a fictional one, more of an expansive day dream based in some fact and some twists. There are parts that I read and I can almost feel as if I'm there, in the story, and that inspires me to write something else that feels real.

How do you find inspiration? Or encouragement to continue on? When you wish that you were camping at some National Park under the Milky Way, or hiking along the coastline searching for whales breaching, or maybe even getting lost in Yellowstone while birding, what do you do to continue putting one foot in front of another to try and make that vision true?

I've said this before and I will repeat myself, hope sucks. That underlying feeling of thinking that one day things will be different. Better than you imagined, better than they currently are. Going through life like a Disney princess singing to the birds and deer, waking up to find their soulmate has been looking for them all along and they live happily ever after…that might happen for some people, but not everyone. And I think it's fair to acknowledge that. I'm not here to say “hang on! The next best thing is around the corner! When you stop looking you'll find it.” Maybe this is a lifetime where you are meant to be alone, to learn something deeper, to grow spiritually. Finding happiness in yourself is the first step to being spiritually happy and full. And perhaps even once you feel like you are good at that, you must teach someone else through living that way. Perhaps the person you teach is the one you're meant to be with in another life. You could be making you soul ultimately better, and the next life more blissful, through what you endure and grow from in this life.

Or I'm completely crazy and I say all of this to soothe the ache in my own heart. It's an ache that isn't for myself, it's a deep, pained feeling at the sensation and/or knowledge that someone very close to me is hurting or unhappy. Some people are so good, so beautifully sculpted, in their passions, desires, and complete being that it physically aches to see them hurting from those around them. A person can be flawed, or see themselves as imperfect, and that's not painful; sure it's easy to say “if only you could see yourself the way I see you”, it's another to live your life in a way to help them see it for themselves. What's painful is seeing another soul impact them in a way that brings them down, rather than up. Everyone is coasting on a certain level of self esteem, and while others can influence our personal views on ourself, ultimately only we can change our self esteem. So to see someone that we care so much about fighting so hard to stay above water, it sucks.

Perhaps that's all confusing. Perhaps it makes zero sense at all. All I know with certain clarity is how profoundly wonderful it can be to feel vulnerable yet strong. Empowered but humble, scared yet excited. The emotions, sensations, feelings, it can be overwhelming.

When there's a soul that makes yours sing, akin to bird songs that have been learned and heard for decades, revel in it. I believe that human connections are like the millions of tongues of communication in the universe, and if we are quiet we can hear multitudes of them, but our soul is yearning to hear the signature song of its roots. Only our soul mates sing them, and while we can appreciate the beauty around us, the song that takes root deep inside of us is preprogrammed and unique to us.

When we are growing up, we might softly babble, calling out tentatively to try and find the reciprocating call we know is out there. Experience in life creates a myriad of relationships in many cases, with trial and error occurring, while we sort out the rabble from the gemstones. When we can silence our inner monologue, those overwhelming sensations bombarding us make it easier to hear our reciprocating call, from where ever it may be coming from.

Vegas, Where Sin Meets…
I don't really know where to start with this chapter. As this year has progressed I feel like I don't have much to say. It could be due to feeling overwhelmed and busy, but I feel like I'm just as busy now as I was in January when I started this (and now it's 9 months later). Or maybe I have lost a part of my inspiration somehow. Or I've already worked through so many of my inspiring thoughts that the same ideas just don't dawn on me. Whichever the case, let's see how this goes!

On the flight into Las Vegas there is excitement, rowdiness, a buzz of happy voices. On the flight home, it's a very different affair. Sleeping adults, children watching their movies on tablets, and just an overall subduedness. Celebrations have been happening for several days now and it's time to return home and back to reality. Sometimes reality finds you in an airport checking your email, sometimes it never leaves you as you spend a vacation noticing work-related things.

Trying to find your center while turning up your music to drown out the loud, somewhat inconsiderate people around you who don't think that they might be affecting their neighbors with their loud voice, it's not easy. I have lost count of how many times I have reread this front to back at this point, refining some chapters, changing some words, or just trying to get the words to flow again. Throughout all of the trips that I have taken in the past month, both personal and professional, one similarity runs true; I'm mentally exhausted and barely treading water.

Taking Natalie to Las Vegas for her virgin trip was very entertaining, watching her face as we walked through each casino, all the lights, extravagance, nudity, amazing food, and noise of the city in general, it reminded me of a baby bird learning to fly. She was getting her wings under her and before she knew it something else came out of left field and the world was changing again. It was very fun to see the world through her eyes, and her energy is infectious. For an introvert, I did need a bit of recuperating time, but have had a hard time finding that this month. Retreating into my brain as much as possible is one of the few ways that I can stay sane.