Saturday, December 31, 2016

True Love? (Part 2 of the story)

True Love?

It's impossible for me to recall the first time I met either of the two most important people in my life. I can recall past life memories, and moments from when I was 3 years old as vividly as if I was watching it on an 80-inch plasma tv, but small moments are sometimes lost in my memory bank. I used to joke that I have selective short-term memory loss, maybe it's not really a joke. Or perhaps I can't remember how we met in this life because I have known each of them before, and the moments that I can recall are simply ones that stand out to me for a reason. Such as seeing a name over and over and feeling some type of connection to the scribbled words on paper and knowing that somehow, they would matter to me one day. I needed to know this person better; how can reading a name create an instant draw to someone who lives in a different world than your own?

I've been hurt in life, who hasn't? Without pain you can't grow, not in the same way at least. Similar to learning that a hot stove will create an uncomfortable situation if you touch it, sometimes you have to grab at unknown objects to know what you like, and what is toxic or bad for you. Through the pain and growth in my life I started to wonder if I was an emotional masochist. Why else was I constantly in a pattern of allowing myself to be hurt? Sometimes I lived for the pain, and said or did things because I wanted to feel something. And through the pain I learned to talk to people. By opening myself up to listen to them, and really hear them, I allowed them a source to talk to that was safe, and it helped me heal as they healed through speaking. Through conversations about life, and their decisions, and even philosophy, I became the unofficial therapist for my friends, and I enjoyed being that person for them. I still do.

Morning coffee in the office and an inquiry about hedgehog meatballs are two moments that stand out for me that signified the beginning of what has been an incredible friendship and connection. From star gazing atop a tower late at night at the zoo, and sharing a first kiss beneath the stars that left me weak in the knees, to sneaking kisses by the safe in the office, listening to the shrine bells ring while lying tangled in sheets and feeling the morning sun warm the bedroom, it truly was a summer from another world. Nothing can be perfect forever and before I knew it, our lives changed. In retrospect, it's all been for a reason and it's worked out; even though we may not have been romantically involved anymore we were still close and no one could soothe my soul quite like Vince.

It's funny how life takes you on twists and turns, and before you know it four years pass without seeing someone and then you are magically transported back in time to a world you had forgotten existed. Happiness. A world where you don't feel dead inside any longer, it's incredible and you never know what will happen-all you can do is live in the moment mindfully and appreciate each touch, glance, and kiss while it is happening.

In between the years of the blissful summer and the week from another world, there have been countless moments that have helped me learn to live mindfully, and reminded me of what is truly important. Without an awkward threesome encounter (no, nothing happened, except that I raged out of the room and was forced to be professionally polite a day later for a seminar that he was teaching), or weekly drinks with a friend turned into something more yet not, or secret make out sessions on a bowling machine, or multiple married men's pursuits via texting, all of these which have put me in the situation of being the "secret woman", whether out of being ashamed of my age or the fact they were married, or just simply didn't want people to know about me...if I hadn't gone through each of these "burning hot stove" moments would I be where I am?

You can argue that yea, obviously you shouldn't get messed up in another persons affairs, I went into each situation knowing 100% where I stood in their lives, never expecting to feel anything and never feeling anything whatsoever. I have known what I wanted, and what I didn't, so why go along with it? Boredom? An aching urge to feel something, knowing that the ones I loved where far away and impossible to reach? To delve further into the insanity of the crazy days of the past few years, perhaps moving onto another person might help illuminate new insights into my soul.

She is a steady rock in my crazy river of life. I am also the same for her and we are able to lean on each other and say "Life really sucks, and next year is going to be worse." without feeling like the other is a pessimist. Hope does suck. Having expectations leads to disappointment and misery. Okay so that's a bit of an exaggeration but for the past 8 years, every New Years, we were saying "This year is going to be better! We are good people, doing decent things in life; our karma is going to catch up and we'll have a good year!" It never does. Each year got worse so we gave up saying it'll be better and reverted to "This year is going to be worse!"

She has an inspiring relationship with her daughter and the two of them together make sense. They would be what I might see as two souls that have been brought back together that knew each other before as the best of friends. Through the mishaps of my love life, she has known very similar but also very different heartaches and frustrations. There are ass-monkey's, Eeyore's, creeps, and lesbians (both closeted and not in the history of my time with her!). Not saying that some of these folks don't have good hearts and the best of intentions, but it's hard to find a mutual attraction; so why is it that when we do-they turn out to be ass-monkey's?

Friday, December 30, 2016

Stealing Skillets & Hitting Children (but not really)

***Author's disclaimer*** The title is a current work-in progress for an autobiography that I am undertaking. The structure and the words of this entire work are subject to change as I work through the book and edit and restructure bits and pieces. 

Starting is the toughest part sometimes. Taking the first step, writing the first few words, saying hello...but once you get going, occasionally it flows naturally and easily. And if it doesn't, go with the flow and find a different approach. This book will be partly autobiography, partly philosophical, and maybe a little fictional. I'll leave it up to you to determine which bits are which!

Someone in my life challenged me to keep a notebook and to write down every awkward encounter that I have in 2017. I thought I would take it a step further and use this as an opportunity to create a compendium about my life. I would never expect my words to change a life or inspire a change, but if they can provide a sense of comfort or empathetic understanding, than I'll feel good. I don't have any answers, my life is an absolute wreck; but if sharing my experiences help someone else see that they aren't alone, or perhaps start them thinking creatively about situations in their life they wish to change, then this autobiography will be worth the time.

Do I start with a year? Or the people in my life? Or perhaps the trips I've been lucky enough to take, the trips that have each and every one taught me something new about myself? Or perhaps starting with the animals in my life that have inspired me would be easiest? I haven't read many autobiographies in my life; don't get me wrong, I love reading, but I prefer fiction over non, unless it's animal related. Perhaps I will simply start with what is most prevalent on my mind right now. People. 


Of all of the people in my life, I have learned that the only person I can truly rely on is myself. Not because other people are unreliable, but because that is how we should be. We should, individually, be strong enough alone that having a shoulder to lean on is simply that, we shouldn't rely on another person for our happiness, or blame them for our misery, or wait on them to make a decision. Of course there are always times in our lives when we do need our friends and family, and even our frenemies and enemies. Perhaps a good start to this section will be to give some back story into how I view people and souls. 

I was raised catholic. The type of catholic girl that went to church every Sunday, including Sunday school, and went through CCD all the way through confirmation (Mary was my patron saint). My beliefs now are different; I wouldn't call myself a Taoist, or a strictly religious person, but I do believe in a higher power, that I call God. I don't follow an organized religion but I do support those that do. I won't say that everyone Needs faith, but in a way we all do need something to believe in. 

I believe in reincarnation. I believe in this because when I am at peace and open to listening, I feel it's real. I jokingly say that I am an old soul, but I believe it, too. Just recently I had a realization (sudden strong feeling), that in a past life I was killed by several severe stab wounds to my abdomen and my lover in that life held me close to his body after I passed. I later felt sharp pains in my abdomen akin to what I imagine caused that death. I realize that many people would find this ridiculous, maybe think I am crazy, maybe I am crazy. But I'm not working to convince others that this is the way of the world. 

With reincarnation I believe in a soul mate, and in soul matches. For me, a soul match is a person that we knew in another life that is a good match for our souls. Perhaps it's simpler than this, perhaps there are many soul mates out there for each of us. But I feel like that waters down the significance of a soul mate. A person that we meet and regardless of where we are in life, we know they are more important to us than we realize. They are someone that brings us peace, someone that is our perfect match and fills in every broken line and gap we ever had in our lives. A soul match is someone that can be our other half, and even if it isn't seamless, it is incredible and similar to the way that the Chinese used to fix broken pottery with gold, a soul match can be our other half for the lifetimes when we are not meant to meet or be with our soul mate. Every soul is on a different path but the destination is the same. Each lifetime is an opportunity to take further steps to that destination of nirvana. 

I know that I have found souls important to me in this life; whether they are matches or mates is sometimes tough to delineate, but they are key in this book. I will use alternate names to protect the identity of those I discuss. One of those souls will be called V, and the other will be Vince.