Saturday, December 31, 2016

True Love? (Part 2 of the story)

True Love?

It's impossible for me to recall the first time I met either of the two most important people in my life. I can recall past life memories, and moments from when I was 3 years old as vividly as if I was watching it on an 80-inch plasma tv, but small moments are sometimes lost in my memory bank. I used to joke that I have selective short-term memory loss, maybe it's not really a joke. Or perhaps I can't remember how we met in this life because I have known each of them before, and the moments that I can recall are simply ones that stand out to me for a reason. Such as seeing a name over and over and feeling some type of connection to the scribbled words on paper and knowing that somehow, they would matter to me one day. I needed to know this person better; how can reading a name create an instant draw to someone who lives in a different world than your own?

I've been hurt in life, who hasn't? Without pain you can't grow, not in the same way at least. Similar to learning that a hot stove will create an uncomfortable situation if you touch it, sometimes you have to grab at unknown objects to know what you like, and what is toxic or bad for you. Through the pain and growth in my life I started to wonder if I was an emotional masochist. Why else was I constantly in a pattern of allowing myself to be hurt? Sometimes I lived for the pain, and said or did things because I wanted to feel something. And through the pain I learned to talk to people. By opening myself up to listen to them, and really hear them, I allowed them a source to talk to that was safe, and it helped me heal as they healed through speaking. Through conversations about life, and their decisions, and even philosophy, I became the unofficial therapist for my friends, and I enjoyed being that person for them. I still do.

Morning coffee in the office and an inquiry about hedgehog meatballs are two moments that stand out for me that signified the beginning of what has been an incredible friendship and connection. From star gazing atop a tower late at night at the zoo, and sharing a first kiss beneath the stars that left me weak in the knees, to sneaking kisses by the safe in the office, listening to the shrine bells ring while lying tangled in sheets and feeling the morning sun warm the bedroom, it truly was a summer from another world. Nothing can be perfect forever and before I knew it, our lives changed. In retrospect, it's all been for a reason and it's worked out; even though we may not have been romantically involved anymore we were still close and no one could soothe my soul quite like Vince.

It's funny how life takes you on twists and turns, and before you know it four years pass without seeing someone and then you are magically transported back in time to a world you had forgotten existed. Happiness. A world where you don't feel dead inside any longer, it's incredible and you never know what will happen-all you can do is live in the moment mindfully and appreciate each touch, glance, and kiss while it is happening.

In between the years of the blissful summer and the week from another world, there have been countless moments that have helped me learn to live mindfully, and reminded me of what is truly important. Without an awkward threesome encounter (no, nothing happened, except that I raged out of the room and was forced to be professionally polite a day later for a seminar that he was teaching), or weekly drinks with a friend turned into something more yet not, or secret make out sessions on a bowling machine, or multiple married men's pursuits via texting, all of these which have put me in the situation of being the "secret woman", whether out of being ashamed of my age or the fact they were married, or just simply didn't want people to know about me...if I hadn't gone through each of these "burning hot stove" moments would I be where I am?

You can argue that yea, obviously you shouldn't get messed up in another persons affairs, I went into each situation knowing 100% where I stood in their lives, never expecting to feel anything and never feeling anything whatsoever. I have known what I wanted, and what I didn't, so why go along with it? Boredom? An aching urge to feel something, knowing that the ones I loved where far away and impossible to reach? To delve further into the insanity of the crazy days of the past few years, perhaps moving onto another person might help illuminate new insights into my soul.

She is a steady rock in my crazy river of life. I am also the same for her and we are able to lean on each other and say "Life really sucks, and next year is going to be worse." without feeling like the other is a pessimist. Hope does suck. Having expectations leads to disappointment and misery. Okay so that's a bit of an exaggeration but for the past 8 years, every New Years, we were saying "This year is going to be better! We are good people, doing decent things in life; our karma is going to catch up and we'll have a good year!" It never does. Each year got worse so we gave up saying it'll be better and reverted to "This year is going to be worse!"

She has an inspiring relationship with her daughter and the two of them together make sense. They would be what I might see as two souls that have been brought back together that knew each other before as the best of friends. Through the mishaps of my love life, she has known very similar but also very different heartaches and frustrations. There are ass-monkey's, Eeyore's, creeps, and lesbians (both closeted and not in the history of my time with her!). Not saying that some of these folks don't have good hearts and the best of intentions, but it's hard to find a mutual attraction; so why is it that when we do-they turn out to be ass-monkey's?

No comments:

Post a Comment