Wednesday, March 1, 2017

It never gets easier, and life is pain

Whether it's pain, death, a break up, rejection, never "gets easier". If anything it gets harder because with each loss we learn to love a little more, we learn to try a little harder, we learn to become more resilient to the pain from that specific incident but life rarely gives us the exact same situation twice.

Even when we know better, we put ourselves in situations that we know will be messy or cause us pain, because we know that we can't go through life in a bubble. For me personally, I have always been attracted to pain. Emotional, but pain nonetheless. I've tried to pinpoint where in my life I began to feel dead inside, how I became apathetic, and I'm sure it was a collection of many moments. As a young child in elementary school, I remember often being outgoing and friendly, always being the one to help someone else, and often labeled the 'teachers pet'. I used to give my teachers a hug every morning, the thought of that now blows my mind, that I used to enjoy human touch and not hold back from it.

My family are not the "touchy-feely" type, we don't say "I love you" and we don't communicate well. My parents way of giving me "the talk" was to hand me some books that described the male and female anatomy and how babies were made. This was in the sixth grade. I can't help but tense up when my sisters try to hug me or are close to me, for some reason that I have yet to figure out. Some people give me the same reaction, and then others I feel completely comfortable around and actually enjoy the closeness.

And yet one of my top 'love languages' is physical touch. In an intimate relationship I thrive on it, not as much as words or time, but it becomes something that I need as much as air to breathe some days. How can it be that we can be so strong on our own, so independent without any support, and all of that can seemingly change when someone enters our lives?

Maybe deep down, the real me is the cheesy, sappy, romantic who wants someone to spoil who will also spoil me with their words and attention (fun fact, one of my weaknesses is someone who will send me photos and videos of what they are doing throughout their day...nothing dirty, but just honest, genuine glimpses into their day. I love that.). And how is it possible to become so attached to those feelings, those intense, all-consuming emotions that connect us to another human being that we become totally different people overnight?

What does it mean when an individual that rarely cries but can become so engrossed in emotions when the time is right, feels so lost that for once in their life they find themselves holding in tears for themselves. When the pain of being hurt by someone that they love more than they thought it was possible to love, and the heartache of realizing what they have isn't what they hoped couple together and numbs them to the core....and they are left with the realization that they are lost and their closest loves are no longer there. It makes being on your own feel empty.

It never does get easier. That isn't the way of life, you build strength so you can get over the next hurdle with a bit more ease but the hurdle is still there. The disappointments, heartaches, loss, and tears will always be a part of life, and I for one am oddly grateful for the reminders that life is pain. Through the pain we grow, we learn about ourselves and what we are capable of.

To the people out there who will argue with me that life is not pain, that life is how I view it and if I don't accept God into my life, become an optimist, and embrace love and peace I'll never be happy...go screw yourselves. I have God in my life, I don't need to pray to him in a congregation of bible believers to have him in my life. Optimism is ridiculous, the glass is never full of your favorite beverage. And I do embrace peace and love, I don't openly invite chaos, deceit, and pain into my life. Life is purely pain and stress and we can find peace and love in our days, we can find happiness within ourselves and with God, and good things can come along but it's foolish to set ourselves up to assume it will always be like that.

I continuously find myself imagining the pots repaired with gold tonight, wondering what will I find
to repair the cracks and broken parts of me. Will the gold be love? Self or given by someone else, or with God. Will the gold be passion in my career? Will I find it by traveling and stumbling across some treasure chest of unknown discovery of myself?

Wherever the repairs come from, I know that they will come, and even though hope sucks, and life is pain, I still have hope and life is still worth living and enjoying. Friend that don't judge us, memories created with loved ones, finding time to do what truly makes us happy...these are the moments that create a life well lived and worth living.

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